Alphabet Soup

It's Been SO Long!

2010-11-15T09:16:00.003-05:00

First of all...sorry, sorry, sorry. I truly feel bad neglecting my blog and all of yours too. But I'm trying to finish my book! Arg! Who knew it would be so hard to write a book? It's just one itty bitty two hundred and fifty page fiction novel.

Anyway, I've returned (today anyway) to update on our family.

Taz and Chica feeding ducks at the apple orchard - September 2010

Taz is doing...better than before the hospital. That's about all I have to say. We have some very good days. Most other days are just so-so. Then we have some bad days. But the bad days aren't as bad as before the hospital. And that's how I judge everything now.

The Intuniv seems to be keeping away the mania. And as we know, the mania is the scariest symptom (at least it is for me).

No restraint and no impulse control. Yikes.

We are still in the in-home program and although they don't have any miracle solutions for us, it's good to have someone on our side. I love our worker. She's great with Taz.

We've gone to a couple other specialists for second opinions. I've come to the point where I don't really care about an accurate label anymore. His brain is so confusing, I don't think it will ever fit neatly into one diagnosis.

We had him evaluated by a geneticist, specifically for FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) but they are doing other genetic blood testing as well. I know that Taz's birthmom drank during pregnancy and I thought that he might fit the specifications for the full FAS diagnosis. But he doesn't. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Like I said, Taz will never fit in a box.

The geneticist said that Taz has some physical traits that show something happened during early pregnancy but he can't say for sure it was alcohol, even though it's been reported she drank. And he doesn't have enough physical features for the full syndrome. So again, we have speculation that he has fetal alcohol effects, but the doctor didn't diagnose it.

Whatever.

Our newest diagnosis was decided upon by the in-home program psychiatrist, who conferred with our regular psychiatrist and together they agreed upon... (enter drum roll)

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

At first I said bull shit.

But now that the bipolar layers are pulled back (because of the meds) I do see A LOT of anxiety. Which is becoming a big problem in school.

So big that Taz is not participating in activities but laying on the floor rocking with his stuffed animal instead. Or crying. Or they let him leave the classroom to play in the gym. Which is a whole other issue I need to talk with them about. I'll save that for another post.

Anyway, anxiety is huge right now. And although I think Taz is attached to us, I think that it's an insecure attachment, at least right now.

The thing with attachment and adoption is that it can be strong at one time, then shaken another time. And his is shaken right now.

Because of starting a new school.

Because my husband had a string of business trips this fall.

And because I've been working weekends on my book.

So I think attachment is playing a part of things right now. But like the psychiatrist said...

Taz will probably qualify for a few different diagnoses and at different times of his life, different labels will be in the forefront.

He also wants us to see a developmental pediatrician to have PDD-NOS (autism spectrum) ruled out. I really don't feel like anymore appointments, or testing. But it's a long wait list anyway.

Anyway...

that's it for us!

I'll check up on all your blogs soon. I promise.

*** Oh! Question: any suggestions on how to get a kid like Taz to use nicer language? I'm so tired of hearing "shut up" and "stupid" all day.

The Hunt for the Elusive Diagnosis, Again

2010-09-29T08:22:00.003-04:00

Things have been...unbalanced here. We found a new psychiatrist through the in-home program. He raised the Intuniv after seeing Taz literally bouncing off the walls in his office. Taz has been sleepy since in the increase but that effect has worn off before. Hopefully it will again.

The new psychiatrist diagnosed Taz with Mood Disorder NOS with questionable ADHD and PDD-NOS. He recommended seeing a developmental pediatrician to get formal testing done (mostly IQ because the in-home team keeps hinting that Taz may have borderline MR) and to rule out autism spectrum.

But I'm not going to. IQ tests are only accurate once every three years and I'd rather do it right before he enters "real" school where we may need to fight harder for services. Plus, I just don't feel like doing more testing.

There's another diagnosis we are waiting to be evaluated for that we feel pretty certain about Taz having. It's FAS (Fetal Alchohol Syndrome). I confirmed recently that his birth mother drank while she was pregnant. He has some of the facial features and many of the characteristics. A specialist is reviewing his medical file and then will call me for an appointment.

If he has FAS, it doesn't change anything. Not course of treatment, not medications, not school setting, maybe our expectations for the future? But what I feel strongly that it does do is make professionals (teachers, therapists, etc) view Taz more as a victim than a spoiled brat who's mother is too lazy to discipline him (or whatever they happen to believe about mental illness and medication). If he has the label of FAS, I think he'd be treated with more compassion than disdain.

Anyway, that's all that's going on here. He's had a few days in the row that were looking a lot like before we went to the hospital back in July. But with the medication change and school starting I'm waiting to see if things stabilize in a few weeks before I start freaking out.

Sorry I've been negligent about reading other blogs. All my free time is spent on my book, which is almost done by the way. I had two people from my target audience read the first half and they loved it. The next step after I finish it is to send it out to members of my target audience (women who like supernatural romance) then make edits with their advice. Then I'll send it to an editor and make changes she suggests. Then off to the publishers! Oh, and offer it on Kindle. That's where the real money is anyway. Kindle sales have lower overhead than print so you can make more money that way. But I want to see it in print too. And I'm not really expecting to make money on my first book. I just want people to read it and like it. But my second book...that's where I want to see some cha-ching!

Good News, Bad News

2010-09-13T11:37:00.002-04:00

Since leaving the hospital we've had an intensive in-home psychiatric service at our house twice a week. We were working with two clinicians. The case manager was wonderful, but didn't come as often as the regular clinician. I had high hopes for the clinician because 1) he was male, and Taz really looks up to men and 2) he worked for years in a psychiatric hospital.

Well, after week three I realized he's kind of a dud. He might be good with older kids, I don't really know. But he seemed very uncomfortable around Taz and I wonder if it might be because of his age. Sometimes men have trouble with younger kids. Again, I don't really know. But he wasn't helpful. Beyond saying, "that's not nice," any time Taz did something aggressive or mean, he didn't offer much else.

Two weeks ago he brought another clinician from a different team who has special experience with sensory issues. She wasn't assigned our case but was offering a consultation to help.

I loved her!

She "got" Taz right off the bat. She didn't hesitate to jump in when he was having a problem. She talked him through his feelings about why he's mad at me and calling names. She was calm but confident. She was awesome!

So, I called the director of the program the day after and asked to be switched to her team.

She said yes!

Actually, she said that the girl came back from our house and asked why she wasn't given our case. She obviously felt the same connection.

Let's call her "Katie". She came last week and in one session did more than the other clinician did in four weeks.

I'm very excited to work with her!

That's the good news.

Here's the not so good news.

I can see Taz deteriorating again. I'm hoping it's just the anxiety of starting school. Or maybe because his sleeping patterns have been a little off.

But I'm really really really really really hoping he stabilizes quickly. I am NOT looking forward to another medication change.

Actually, I'm terrified of it.

And I'm most definitely terrified of ending up back in the hospital. I nearly have a panic attack when I think about it. And even though it helped in the long run, it felt like a nightmare.

So, send happy, fuzzy, lovely, positive thoughts our way if you can.

We Just Won the School Jackpot!

2010-09-03T12:22:00.004-04:00

Holy Freakin' Miracle!

I've been worried about Taz's new school since before summer even started. They've been giving me a hard time about everything.

Then I get a phone call from his teacher last week to schedule a home visit (all the teachers visit all their students before school starts in our city), and she informs me that she is not a special ed teacher.

Basically, the district is stingy. They hire regular ed teachers for all the classrooms, then one special ed teacher to rotate through providing just enough time in each classroom to satisfy the legal requirements for each child with an IEP. Blah. I was geared up for a fight.

But all my frustration and fears were put to rest with four little words.

My daughter has bipolar.

The teacher said it. Her daughter is 24 yrs old but has had it since she was a child. Then she said, "I'm speaking to you as a parent not a teacher. Your son might do well in school then fall apart at home. It's not your fault. It has nothing to do with you as a parent. It's because he feels safe with you. This is a long journey. I understand that there are things that happen with our kids that can't be fixed. I understand how hard it is to accept and how much you want their pain to go away. You won't find judgment here. I will advocate for your son and his needs. It's good we're starting early."

Halleluhah! Can I get an amen for this miracle?!

Someone who gets it. Right off the bat before even knowing us or my son, gets it.

With the last school system I was stared at, judged, met with silence when I explained things about bipolar disorder. And this lady is now telling me about bipolar.

Seriously. God must have had something to do with this.

And that's not even the only good news I received today. But you'll just have to wait till I have more time to write the other news.

Please Read This

2010-08-31T11:22:00.003-04:00

Someone brought to my attention that my last post could have easily offended someone very important to me. So I just wanted to clear things up.

When I wrote that I wanted the in-home people to call my mom to validate myself, I was truly joking. I thought it sounded funny. One of my faults is that I'll do anything to make people laugh.

Of course I wouldn't lump my mom in the category of arrogant assholes at the hospital. But, we do have a history. It was probably too soon for a joke about it but I'm too stupid and clueless to notice that. (Part of my doing anything to get a laugh trait.)

Back before Taz's behaviors were truly disturbing, he looked a lot like a spoiled brat having long drawn out tantrums because we weren't disciplining him well. And I was extremely self-conscious because I thought that part of it must be my fault. No one was really seeing how hard it was to disciplining him. To make him stop, to make him change. It was easy to judge and it was easy for me to become sensitive to it.

The truth is..."mom" could have been substituted for anyone in order to get my point across. It could have been dad, in-laws, brother, church, even husband.

Dh has told me on more than one occasion that because the kids are better around him, the problem must be me. I told him that's because he let's them do whatever they want. Boom! Explosive argument.

The point to my post wasn't who was to blame for my feeling the need to be validated. Just the fact that it felt nice to get it. I'm an exaggerator. Everyone who knows me knows that about me. It's part of what makes me a writer and a good storyteller. But it can also destroy your personal life. Like hurting people you love by accident.

My mom is often the target of family jokes because...well...she's around. And that's harder than it seems. My dad was gone most of my life. My mom had to work really hard to create the life my brother and I had. I've written about my own childhood memories on this blog before, and about wanting to recreate them with Taz and Chica, so you know it was good.

Not just that but then we go and adopt a child with mental health issues that she has no biological relation to and just demand everyone accept him and deal with what comes. And she's taken it all in stride.

She loves Taz. Very very much. And Chica too of course.

I think because I'm constantly overwhelmed and everyone tells me that I need more help, I just expect that the people who are available to help should be doing it. All the time. It's my own unrealistic expectation, I know that. But I'm so wrapped up in the chaos around me that I sometimes ignore other things.

Like offending someone on my blog.

Oh Sweet Validation!

2010-08-30T18:17:00.003-04:00

We've had the Intensive In-home Psychiatric Team in our house now for about 4 weeks. Last week the main clinician and the case manager came together. The case manager started out talking about some resources she's found for us. Because this is a temporary service, a big part of their job is to hook-up families with other resources that could be involved...blah blah blah...let's skip to the good part.

The good part is that they both admitted that they can't really help us.

Okay, okay...I know that doesn't sound good. But the point was that there isn't anything they can do to teach us better skills as parents. They can see we are already doing everything we can for him.

And I'm not saying this to brag, or to seem like I'm a perfect parent.

I'm not perfect. I yell. I give in. I bribe.

But.

Taz's issues are not caused by us. Nor are they exacerbated by lousy parenting. We are good parents. We handle him very well. So well that there's almost nothing for them to do except give a helping hand.

I was beaming.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now. Can you please call our psychologist and tell her that?

And then our psychiatrist?

And also the assholes at the impatient unit in the hospital?

It's such a burden being right all the time, isn't it?

How to Scare Away Potential Friends

2010-08-23T20:40:00.002-04:00

Taz recently got invited to his first birthday party in a long time. A little girl from his preschool class. I've had one conversation with her mom throughout the entire school year but, hey, I'm not complaining. We don't get a lot of invites.

So just last week we ran into this little girl and her dad at the mall. The first thing Taz says to the little girl, with her dad listening is...

I rode on an ambulance!

He is, of course, talking about our most recent hospitalization. He's never been on an ambulance before that. Now, maybe you think I shouldn't feel shy about sharing the fact that my son needed to be hospitalized in a psychiatric unit for a week, and so, in order to de-stigmatize mental illness, I should have been forthcoming with this information.

You are probably right. But I ain't that noble. And sometimes my little family is more important than the rest of the world. Yes, you read that right. So, changing the minds of millions of people about mental illness is indeed important. But it's not my only job.

So...in wanting to keep this new trend of being invited to birthday parties, I am sad to say I did not do my duty to mankind and fight the stigma of mental illness. Sorry. It's not because I'm ashamed. It's just that telling someone who is barely an acquaintance about my son's psychiatric issues (my four year old son to make it worse) is going to guarantee a lot of questionable looks.

So what did I say instead?

Usually I'm pretty good at thinking on my feet. I've always been a good liar which is why I always appeared to be a good kid because I never got caught. And when I did, I lied my way out of it. Well, I think this parenting thing has killed a few hundred brain cells or so because I was speechless. I couldn't think of a single reason my son could go to the hospital other than psychiatric episode.

Here's how the conversation went.

Taz: I went on an ambulance!

Little Girl: What happened?

Silence.

Me: Well! (spoken in my best child-friendly cheerful voice (a strategy to distract attention away from the vague answer), Taz had to go to the hospital!

Stupefied silence.

Dad: Who was the paramedic?

Me: What?

Dad: I know all the paramedics that work in (enter town's name).

Me: Of course you do! (spoken sarcastically in my head)

Dad: Was it a lady? It was (enter generic name) wasn't it?

Me: Uhh....no. We were at the children's hospital. Then...we were...transported to another hospital...to...uhh...special unit...mumble mumble mumble....

**** Pause. Anyone ever see the movie Rat Race? There's a part where a guy is getting a ride from a girl to Sante Fey, New Mexico. When she asks him why he needs to go there, he lies. He says that his sister got hurt. She asks what happened. He panics and says shark bite. She looks at him like any of us would, "Shark bite? And she's being treated in New Mexico?" So he exaggerates the lie. Yes, they have a special shark bite unit there. The best in the world. In landlocked New Mexico. Yeah, I felt a bit like that.

Dad: Oh. (Clearly disappointed and confused)

Me: What was that Taz? You have to go to the bathroom? Oh. We better go then. (Pushing kids down the hall). See you at the party! Thanks for the invite!

At least I'm prepared for next time. I think I'll use the shark bite story. That's a good one, right?

Lithium, You Dirty Rat!

2010-08-17T09:11:00.002-04:00

Dh found a Lithium supplement online that requires no prescription. Dr. S (Psych) thought it wasn't worth it to try since it's probably in doses too small to make a difference. Yet he won't prescribe it so we don't really have anything to lose for trying the supplement.

We started it about two weeks ago. And guess what? It's actually kinda working. We're not seeing much depression anymore. He's having some lulls during the afternoon, more to do with needing a nap or being overstimulated. So, the combination of Intuniv (for impulsivity), Invega (anti-psychotic), and Lithium supplement (for mood), has made Taz manageable. Not perfect. He still has "issues". But much better. We're even able to do some of the fun activities I wanted to this summer. Last week we went to a dinosaur park and I was panicked it would be a disaster (it was a particularly expensive park so it was a risky move) but we had an awesome time!

In other news, Taz has learned a new phrase, I think from the hospital since that's when I first started hearing it. It actually cracks me up every time he says it because it just sounds weird coming out of a four year old's mouth. Can you guess what it is?

Yes... dirty rat.

Dirty rat. This is what Taz has taken to calling me when he's mad or annoyed. I feel like I've been dropped into a 50's gangster movie. Weird.

The recent absence of new blog posts has been party because our in-home service started and I'm waiting to hear what they think. We are also exploring a new direction having to do with diagnoses that I will reveal another time.

And....I'm writing a book. Yes, you read that write (ha ha). It's fiction. Supernatural Romance, to be more exact, but with lots of action. But no vampires. Don't lie, I know that's what you were thinking. I'm about half way done. My goal is to finish in six months and send it out to publishers. I want it published. That's why I'm writing it. But, it's also very therapeutic.

I'll update if it does actually get published.

Maybe some of you would like that genre?

Depression and Hospitals

2010-08-03T09:49:00.008-04:00

I'm interested in what you have to say about depression.

It's such a nasty word isn't it? Depression. It just sounds sad.

But it's worse than sad isn't it? People who've never experienced it, or even witnessed someone depressed, think that it would be easy just to snap out of it. But that's not how it works.

I've been depressed. I know how it feels. And now I have to watch my 4 year old feel it. It's horrible. All day yesterday he cried, hysterically, off and on for no reason. Nothing particular happened, there was nothing wrong with him. Nothing except the enormous feeling that the world is against you and nothing can ever make you happy again.

He says over and over "no one likes me". He doesn't want to play with anything he normally enjoys. He just lays around whining, crying, or sleeping.

It's heartbreaking to watch. He comes to me for comfort, which I can give, but help I can not. I can't fix what's organically going on in his brain. All I can do is hold him and tell him I'm sorry he feels so sad. And that so many people love and like him. I'd love to be able to pick him up and put a band-aid on his boo-boo and that that would be enough to make him feel better. But depression is a big boo-boo. Too big for a band-aid.

It hurts me when he gets this way. I wish I could feel it for him. I wish I could take away the pain and sadness. At least I would know that it doesn't last forever. That eventually the mood lifts and you see the sun again. To Taz, it feels like the world is dark and lonely. He doesn't know if it will ever end. It hurts my heart and my soul.

Speaking of depressing...the kids in the psychiatric hospital with Taz. Until recently I hadn't even known such places existed for children. Entire units of hospitals set aside for children with mental health issues. I don't know why all the kids were there. I can guess. There's only two ways to get a spot in a psych hospital. You either have to be in danger to your self....or to others.

We went to a parent's support group at the hospital while Taz was there. One 12 year old boy had tried to light his parent's house on fire. Like, he had actually poured the gasoline around it and everything. There was a 5 year old boy that sounded like Taz. He had tried to stab his mother with a knife.

One thing that will be ingrained in my mind is how many of the kids were sound asleep in random places every time I visited. It just doesn't seem normal. I suppose it's because of the medication. The doctors and nurses told me that because they raise the doses much faster in the hospital it tends to knock the kids out, until their bodies adjust. But every time I visited there was a kid sleeping on a chair in the day room. Or a sleeping child being carried into their bedroom by the nurse, including Taz. It just brought to mind the expression "drugged up". And a lot of them were. At least the little ones.

But it's a reminder of where we are...and why. Sometimes you look around and see normal children doing normal children things. Playing video games, watching cartoons, teenage girls doing each other's hair. Then you hear screaming and swearing coming from one of the seclusion rooms and the normalcy is gone. And you remember where you are.

I don't think I'll ever forget the experience. Not just the trauma of having my son there (cause we all know how traumatic that was for me as written here), but just that such places exist. That such places even need to exist. As I walked through the hallway and looked at their faces, it made me incredibly sad. Sad that we live in a world where children can get so sick. And little ones who are so innocent by nature can have such big problems. Problems that most adults can't even handle. Then we expect little children to not only handle these big feelings but also control themselves, learn in a classroom, make friends, and generally act like typical children.

It doesn't seem fair.

And worse, it seems likely we'll be back there someday.

Give Peace a Chance

2010-08-01T16:20:00.005-04:00

First of all, thank you so much for your overwhelmingly kind and supportive words after my last post (I've responded to most of the comments below). I was really surprised so many of you understood what I was trying to express. Which is more than I can say for....others. But enough of that.

Anyway, the last few days have been really good actually.

Taz is still having mood swings (anyone surprised?). He still has periods of hyperactivity mixed with periods of depression/anxiety. BUT....

When he gets upset he is recovering faster.

He seems to be better able to control himself.

He can tolerate being around Chica most of the time.

He is using his words more.

He is still having violent thoughts but he is expressing them and moving on, instead of fixating or acting them out. He is also describing some pretty scary dreams so I told him to put daddy in his dreams to protect him and he hasn't complained since.

But he seems to be doing pretty well on this med combo (cross your fingers). I'm trying to enjoy this time without worrying too much about the future.

I'm waiting for it to wear off but at the same time hoping that we'll have a few months of this peace. Well, this seems to be as peaceful as it gets in our house. But it feels good.

Speaking of feeling good. This is totally going to be me on Saturday. It's our anniversary and we're getting a couple's massage. I'm so excited. Looking at this picture I can almost hear the sighing now. Ahhh.....

Trauma Effects vs. Mental Illness

2010-07-31T13:05:00.006-04:00

Since Dr. F gave his opinion that many of Taz's issues are related to early childhood trauma, I've been doing some reading up. But first, here's some background.

Taz spent almost his first year of life with a very loving kind older woman who fostered babies until they went home or to pre-adoptive families. When Taz was about to turn one, two very traumatic events took place.

One, he had his palate surgery, which is a big operation. And two, he moved from the only mom he ever knew to a pre-adoptive family. So, as he was healing from his surgery, he was also transitioning to a new family. One that included a mom, dad, and 6 yr old brother. Oh, and an entire farm.

Taz went from living in a quiet environment with one caregiver in a small home to living on a farm with a family of four. All the while, healing from a major operation.

He had just turned one, which is significant in my mind. A lot of developmental growth happens just before and after 12 months of age. Most are exploring how to use their legs for walking instead of crawling. Many babies are also beginning to communicate with words or gestures. They are also in the throes of stranger anxiety and making significant relationships with other adults outside their family. They are quickly developing fine motor skills like feeding themselves and drinking from a cup. There's a lot going on for a one year old!

Taz should have been going through all these stages, but instead he was dropped from one traumatic event, surgery, to another, a complete change in environment and losing the one caregiver he felt safe with.

(Taz right after surgery)

So, he was supposed to be healing from surgery, meeting major gross motor and language skills, all without the support from anyone he knew and trusted. We know from Maslow's Hierarchy of needs there can be no growth or development if safety is not first achieved.

Taz did not feel safe, therefore he did not learn to walk or talk when he should have.

We also know how important bonding and attachment is to a child. Studies have shown that attachment within the first year of life is crucial to the development of most social skills (and sometimes even survival as the case of overcrowded orphanages with high infant death rates). This pre-adopt family didn't understand that. I believe that for the three months that Taz was in this pre-adoptive home, he had no bond or attachment with anyone.

He was lost.

Taz's speech therapist had visited Taz at the pre-adoptive family's home during this time. She said Taz sat in the middle of the room with his back towards everyone and didn't smile at all, as if he were depressed.

This family probably had all the best intentions in the world, but they had a farm to attend to. Taz was a very high needs baby. He needed someone to be with him ALL the time. To hold him, rock him, feed him, sing to him, carry him around constantly, for at least the first few months.

I think this family expected Taz to fit into their world instead of going into his.

They expected him to be a typical one year old. Actually, I think they expected him to be better than a typical one year old.

I received a letter when Taz came to us from this mother, mostly about his schedule and what kind of foods he liked. But there were several parts that jumped out at me that I've written below. Now remember, this is a very traumatized one year old we're talking about.

"Taz is selfish and thinks the whole world revolves around him. He needs to learn to wait and that other people have needs too."

"Taz is lazy so you have to hold his hands and make him walk everywhere. We are also making him use sign language to communicate."

Think about this for a minute.

Taz is one. All one year olds are selfish and think the world revolves around them! Not just that but he really needed someone to give him extra attention and extra love and meet his needs extra fast so he knew he was safe.

Also, they didn't seem to recognize that this was a fragile child that needed lots of time to acclimate to a new living environment and a new family. Instead they pushed him into the developmental stages they felt he should be doing way before he was ready. Before he knew he was safe.

Here's the sad part. When Taz came to us (I'll get into that trauma in a minute), any time we tried to stand him on his feet while holding his hands for balance he would start screaming bloody murder. When we stopped, he would stop. I think he had negative feelings associated with being on his feet. No wonder he didn't walk until almost 18 months!

(He did eventually learn to walk and talk)

He was also in no place to learn to communicate. He needed to know he could depend on his new family to meet his needs no matter what.

I've been told by an unnamed source that there was a referral on this couple called in for possible abuse and neglect. I don't really know what happened there. I don't think they abused him but I don't think they were particularly good to him either. They may have left him in his crib crying for long periods of time. At least that's what I heard. But before social workers could investigate the family called to say they wanted Taz out of the house by the end of the week. Their reason was because "he cried too much".

So the department of children and families had an emergency meeting to pick out a new pre-adoptive family for Taz. That's when we entered the picture. With two days notice, they told us about Taz. Then the social worker picked him up from the home he'd been in for 3 months, dropped him off at our house, then said goodbye and good luck, all in one day.

Trauma number three. Even though Taz didn't bond with the last family, it didn't do him any good to dump him with yet another family he didn't know within mere months of the last move. All he knew was that the last two sets of caregivers had disappeared and (even though we ultimately turned out to be pretty cool people) again he had to navigate a new environment and more strangers. New sounds, new smells, maybe new types of foods, new pets, new routine, etc. How scary!

If we had neglected his needs for nurturing and instead pushed his development like the last family, Taz would probably have RAD (reactive attachment disorder). But we didn't. I quit my job to stay home with him. We didn't let anyone babysit for several months. We held him all the time. I carried him in a sling. We rocked him to sleep every night. We spent tons of time with him, playing peek-a-boo, bathing, massaging, cuddling.

We didn't push him to walk or talk. We met all of his needs for him whether he was able to on his own or not. We made him depend on us for everything. Gradually he learned to trust us. And only then did he start meeting his milestones. Very late. But late is better than never. And late is better than RAD.

(Taz and Daddy, a special bond)

I've been reading a book by a psychiatrist who specializes in childhood trauma. I've learned a lot.

First, trauma, no matter how small, impacts the brain. The earlier it happens the more devastating the effects are. Taz certainly shows some effects from his early trauma. For one, I believe this triggered the bipolar symptoms. Two, he's very anxious. Three, he has the survival instinct that kids with traumatic backgrounds do. Four, he has trust issues.

I think trauma does account for some of the "fight or flight" response we see.

BUT. I don't think it's everything.

Because Taz did have his first foster mom who nurtured him and loved him and took care of him, I think he fared better than others. The first twelve months of life are so important. I hate to sound so drastic but the first year could possibly be the difference between becoming a sociopath and being able to heal and have significant relationships in life.

Two stories in the book I read are perfect examples of this.

One 16 year old boy was in maximum security prison for violently murdering and raping two young girls. He came from a loving hardworking family with high morals. None of his siblings had any criminal history. This boy was deemed to be a sociopath, meaning he had no feelings for anyone but himself and couldn't empathize or connect with other people, and ultimately would spend his life in prison.

A 6 year old boy was found living in a cage with the dogs his caretaker had a business breeding. His basic needs were met for food, clothing, and water but his caretaker (an elderly man with no experience with children) treated him like the dogs he bred. The boy could not walk or talk. But once he was put in a home with a loving patient family, he very quickly began catching up developmentally to his peers and was able to have lasting relationships with others.

What was the difference?

Well, the first boy, the sociopath, after investigating his background had found his mother (who had a low IQ) had become overwhelmed caring for two children (he had an older brother) and left the infant home alone most of the day while taking the older son out for long walks and errands. His father worked long hours and also did not interact with the infant much. He had little to no human interaction the first year of life. Once he got older and they found he was delayed and acting out they got him specialized services and he went to special schools. His parents were very loving towards him and tried to help him the best way they could, but it was too late. The damage was already done.

The boy raised by dogs, however, had been nurtured, cared-for, and loved by the dog breeder's wife for the first year of his life before she died. After she died was when the neglect had started. But he was already able to associate human contact with pleasure by that point.

Two extreme stories of course, but you get the idea.

Taz had major trauma early in life that contributes some what to his current (and probably lasting) issues. But his infant experience of nurturing essentially saved him from even more devastating problems than Bipolar Disorder. And for that, I'm thankful.

Trauma vs. mental illness:

- Taz is able to have significant deep relationships and attachments (Nana, Grampa, daycare teachers, friends, etc)

- Taz's behaviors are mostly dictated by his mood, not by fear or by the need to control a situation. He is fearful, but that doesn't account for his behavior. He is afraid of many things but he tells us and we reassure him, like a typical child.

- Taz is not a sociopath. He is compassionate and can empathize with others (when his bipolar mask isn't in place)

- Taz's behaviors are not triggered by situations that relate to his trauma (at least not most of the time) as the doctor said. He is in an internal battle, it's often within himself. That's why one day he can handle getting himself dress, and the next he can't. One day the battle is calm, the next day it's raging.

- Taz is not manipulative

- Taz allows himself to be loved and can love others

Now if I could only make those know-it-all professionals see.

Home. For Now

2010-07-28T11:09:00.005-04:00

Taz is home today.

He slept like crap. He kept waking up wanting to go in our bed. Or afraid he was going to pee in his bed, even though he wears a pull-up. Dh wonders what nighttime was like at the hospital.

Taz is pretty much back to where we left off. He's calmer but mostly because he's tired. The meds are making him really drowsy and groggy. Dr. F assures me that will wear off within the week.

He's not manic like he was when we brought him to the hospital more than a week ago. But he's irritable.

And still aggressive.

Perhaps not as often. But when things don't go his way, he is still throwing chairs at me, scratching and biting.

I don't know what I was hoping for. A miracle? A cure? I know there isn't one but I've seen Taz do really well on certain medications. Until they wear off.

Now I'm wondering if there is no drug that can halt his aggression. And since he can't predict consequences, where does that leave us?

Maybe we need to be really creative about management strategies. We need to make him a calm down room where he can't destroy anything. Maybe we need more than one person in the house all the time.

I don't know.

If the tiredness doesn't stop within a few days we'll have to take him off the Intuniv. Maybe that will help with the crankiness. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to expect. I don't know who to believe. I don't know what to do.

Like our outpatient psychiatrist said over the phone yesterday.

"Taz is a kid with a lot of problems."

ADHD with a Little PTSD and GAD on the Side

2010-07-26T22:15:00.003-04:00

I need to change the name of my blog from "Battling Bipolar" to "Battling Acronym Disorders".

I was pissed today. Really pissed.

I had a phone conversation with Taz's psychiatrist at the hospital, who is also the director of the hospital program. Just like I said in my last post, I told him that I could get any doctor to prescribe ADHD meds, no one is disputing he has that, but what we came for was a mood stabilizer or some other medication used to treat bipolar. And that I wasn't happy with the Intuniv results, Taz has still been aggressive and irritable at our visits.

And then it all came to a head. Dr. F started going on and on about Taz not having bipolar and that he was getting older and learning how to push buttons and test limits. Again, I did not put my child in a psychiatric hospital because of ADHD and button pushing!

I said that if the hospital is supposed to be teaching me behavior management they are doing a pretty crappy job because so far, no one does a damn thing when Taz attacks me during visits. He said they were still observing the "interactions he has with his mom and dad" and the behavioral stuff will start soon.

I said, what? Time-out? Do you think we haven't thought of that in the last two years!? I'm not an idiot! (I probably shouldn't have said that part, I'm sure it didn't help my case for not being a crazy parent)

Then Dr. F proceeded to tell me that he asked Taz why he hits us and Taz said because we're dumb. Then Dr. F asked me where he would get that language from?

Umm....let's see. Daycare, his older cousin, TV, friends in the neighborhood, everywhere! We certainly don't talk that way so it's not from us. I'm still not quite sure where he was going with that.

I reiterated again that Taz doesn't have a behavior problem (are you getting tired of hearing this yet?), that he has a disorder that's symptoms are behaviors. We have done everything imaginable to change Taz's behavior... and it just doesn't work.

Taz is not able to connect an action to a consequence.

We've had this reiterated by professionals over and over. Then Dr. F asked me what usually happens when he gets aggressive and out of control.

This is what I explained. When Taz gets aggressive it's hardly ever just a smack here or there. It's usually a meltdown that includes destruction, aggression, and complete loss of control. It becomes all about calming him down. We can't use logic or reason because he's not "there" enough to process that. The only thing that works to calm him down is to remove him from people and things that he can destroy.

I described how in our old house we cleared out a room for him where he could sit on a bean bag chair and calm down but couldn't hurt people or break things. And it worked. He would calm down then we could process through what happened.

Now. Here's the catch.

We could put him in that room 20 times in one day and process through the event 20 times. But the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year, he will make those same 20 mistakes over again.

He doesn't change. He is not learning.

That's when the conversation changed. He agreed, over the phone still, to start Invega (a new form of Risperdal that is extended release). He started it today.

So...about an hour later I had an appointment at the hospital where the therapist was going to facilitate an interaction between Chica and Taz. Taz was sleeping, which apparently is happening a lot during the day because of the meds, but should wear off after a while, so the therapist listened to my concerns then brought in Dr. F.

Now. Here's the weird part. For some reason, Dr. F did a complete 180.

Is it because of something I said? Is it because I so eloquently stated my case which was so intelligently thought-out? Let's just go with yes.

Dr. F said that Taz may have bipolar and is likely to end up with some mood disorder but he can't diagnose that now at his age. He does not believe Taz's behaviors are planned or controlled and they are not a result of anything we are or are not doing. Thank you!

So. Bottom line from Dr. F: Taz has ADHD. He has developmental delays. And the rest of the issues we're seeing are due to early childhood trauma and anxiety.

Dr. F explained that the first 12 months of life are imperative for emotional development. If Taz endured an enormous amount of stress as an infant/toddler, which he did, the cortisol (stress hormone) levels in his body were probably elevated enough to cause damage to the brain. It causes people to get stuck in a hyper-vigilant state where they are constantly on guard for danger.

Basically, when Taz is frustrated, feeling challenged or threatened, he immediately loses higher brain functioning (logic and reason) and only uses his lower brain (fight or flight). Which is why sometimes it seems as if Taz is literally fighting for his life.

Dr. F felt like the on/off switch Taz has for meltdowns is more consistent of a child coming from a traumatic background than a child with Bipolar. What we see as depression he thinks is really anxiety. The violent thoughts and ideas he also says is common for people with PTSD.

This is something I can buy into. At least for now. Do I think Taz has some mood issue that will come to a head at some point in his life? Absolutely. Do I think he has bipolar now? Yes, I still do. But since we can't seem to get a mood stabilizer going to find out, I'm willing to try the Invega and Intuniv instead.

Now for the big news!

Taz is coming home tomorrow!!!

I told them I was taking him home. The psychiatrist would have liked to keep him one or two more days but agreed to let him get his vitals checked outpatient so he could come home. I feel like we're at the limit for keeping our attachment secure. He needs to come home now. He's asking more consistently about going home and tonight he asked me to stay overnight with him. He's increasingly more anxious when I visit. And he says he doesn't like the hospital. He's definitely ready.

And of course, so am I.

I think I have a greater appreciation for what Taz brings to my life. Even when it's hectic and crazy and aggravating.... I still need him. I need to be able to hug him before bed and know that I'll see him first thing in the morning.

I just love him so much.

So what should I rename my blog? Raising Complicated Kids is already taken. I'm kind of mad she thought of it before me :)

The Blame Game

2010-07-25T19:00:00.002-04:00

The hospital Taz is in boasts a family centered approach to treatment. So far most of the nurses and staff have a guilty until proven innocent mindset about the parents. And since Taz has yet to exhibit any behavioral problems, the thought is that we, his parents, are to blame.

But what they don't seem to understand is that Taz is a survivor. His early childhood trauma has created this little being inside him that says to survive at all costs. That means until he knows he is safe and will get his needs met no matter what he does, he will comply. Until we get there. Then that big ball of pent up emotion comes to the surface and it can very much look like we are the ones with the problem.

But we're not. Obviously.

And I'm tired of being treated as if I am.

So tired that I am heading into the hospital tomorrow morning to give the therapist a piece of my mind. They need to tell the staff to back off. They need to know that there are sick kids in this world and that most of the time, it's no one's fault.

I asked one of the staff during my visit a couple nights ago why many of the other parents don't visit every day. He said that a lot of times the kids are there because of relationship strains with the parents. He said, "I don't want to say it's their fault or anything...but...the parents need a break and the kids need to reflect."

Reflect? This isn't meditation camp. Kids need their parents. Especially young ones.

This was after he told me that Taz was "showing off" because I was there because he's never seen him like that. Great. You've known my kid for 4 days and suddenly you know what's normal for him and what's not?

Another nurse told me that Taz seems calmer since starting the Intuniv. Great, he's calmer. But we're not here for calmer. We're here to stabilize his disorder. Disorder. Not a discipline problem. A real disorder.

I told her that I don't think it's enough because he is still aggressive and unstable on our visits. She said that because they haven't seen any of that it must be a behavior problem and that he just needs a consistent behavior program.

Sigh.

I told her I needed to speak with the psychiatrist about my concerns with the medication and she said that kids Taz's age can't be diagnosed with anything because it's too hard to tell how much of the hyperactivity is just because he's four and how much is ADHD.

Excuse me? Did I just hear you right? You think I put my son in a psychiatric hospital for being four? Or because he's hyper?

And enough of this ADHD crap! They are obviously not reading his file because it explains in black and white that Taz is in the hospital because he has attacked us with a screwdriver (as well as other dangerous objects) and is extremely aggressive with his younger sister. It also says his diagnosis is Bipolar, but apparently everyone just ignores that. And that he has severe mood swings and can't cope with his strong emotions.

They must have also missed the part where he was born addicted to cocaine and methadone. He is a recipe for disaster!

The bottom line is that Taz needs a mood stabilizer. Probably an anti-psychotic as well. And then maybe Intuniv. But I can't deal with the hyperactivity without dealing with the moods first. That is what dictates his behavior. His moods are what dictate his life (and ours).

Monday morning I'm going in with my game face on. I'm going to get an answer about starting a mood stabilizer and I'm going to complain about the implication that I have something to do with Taz's behavior. If they don't listen, we're leaving. I'm not going to waste our time and continue to traumatize my son. They are either going to do what we came for or it's not worth staying.

To Hell With Everyone! I Want My Kid Back!

2010-07-23T10:53:00.007-04:00

First of all. Visiting my child one hour a day is simply not enough. I called the therapist this morning and told her I was going to visit in the morning as well as in the evening (which are the usual visiting hours). I can't be away from my 4 yr old all day like that. She agreed.

I miss him. I miss everything about him, even his anger. I just want to go home. Half my family is at my mom's (me and Chica because it's closer to the hospital), my son is in a hospital, and my husband is at our house more than an hour away. I want my normal life back. Even the chaotic crazy version of it. I want to be the one getting Taz up in the morning. Getting him dressed. I never thought I would say that because that's one of the times he's so difficult but I don't care. I want to feed him meals. I want to give him a bath and brush his teeth and watch movies with him and have him in my bed first thing in the morning being goofy.

I don't want an hour with him each day in a noisy hospital with no privacy. It feels like prison.

I hate this. It's torture. I hate everything about it. The only reason I'm not pulling him from the hospital and taking him home right now is because everyone is convincing me it's in Taz's best interest to be there. I don't believe it. I think he needs his family. I think he needs his mom putting him to bed and waking him up every morning. Not some stranger.

I've been crying off and on all day, especially at night. I've resolved myself to go pick Taz up and bring him home half a dozen times now but Dh convinces me otherwise.

I just want my life back. My completely abnormal, chaotic, frustrating, sometimes dangerous life back. To hell with everyone else. To hell with medication. To hell with behavior programs. To hell with doctors and therapists.

I want my kids. I want them with me.

P.S. I posted twice today so read the post below to catch up on medication issues and current frustrations with doctors.

And Hope Comes Screeching to a Halt

2010-07-23T10:19:00.005-04:00

Everything was looking up. The treatment plan, the doctors, the behavioral program, hope was the sweet smell filling the air I breathed (poetic right?). Then yesterday it came screeching to a halt.

It started when the psychiatrist intern (we'll call him Dr. Dork cause, well, he is one) called to say he spoke with our outpatient psych Dr. S. He agreed to start the Intuniv (and ADHD drug used that works well for kids born addicted to drugs as it inhibits impulse) so they started a small dose yesterday. He happened to slip into the conversation that Dr. S wasn't confident in the bipolar diagnosis, which is news to me because he never mentioned that. He has always referred to Taz as bipolar.

Why do doctors do that to us? It's so confusing.

Anyway, I said, "you're not planning to change his diagnosis right?" To which Dr. Dork replied, "nothing has been changed as of yet." Which is a round about way of saying "we're considering changing it". I felt a little suspicious so I went to the wonderful and knowledgeable world wide web and looked up everything I could find on Intuniv, especially on how it relates to bipolar disorder.

Well, imagine my surprise when most reports say it works to control ADHD symptoms when used in adjunction with mood stabilizers and when the bipolar mood swings are under control. Many kids get irritable or depressed after several weeks of taking it. So, in a nervous panic (because I thought we were going to the hospital for bipolar meds or a mood stabilizer) I called back Dr. Dork and voiced my concerns. He said they are trying the Intuniv because it is used to treat the types of symptoms Taz is showing. I said I would go along with it but I'm concerned we'll end up back there when it wears off and what he really needs is a mood stabilizer.

Then Dr. Dork asked why I thought he was bipolar (alarm bells started going off in my head). I said,

well, if you give me a list of symptoms of bipolar, Taz has all of them. And I didn't just put my kid in a psychiatric hospital for ADHD (cause I know that's where they're going). Last I knew kids with ADHD don't threaten to cut their parents fingers off, blow up the house, shoot their sister to make her dead, and threaten to cut all our heads off. They don't cry for long periods of time for no reason. They don't throw themselves in front of traffic then laugh about almost getting hit my a car.

He said that yes, there does appear to be more going on than ADHD but that many kids have comorbid disorders.

So...basically....like all professionals, they don't want to use the big bad "B" word. They are going to tiptoe around it labeling every other condition they can other than bipolar. He's ADHD, ODD, GAD, Explosive Disorder...oh, and he also has mood swings. But not bipolar. No, of course not. We don't want to put that label on a kid. Just another five hundred labels instead.

Seriously, does this make sense to anyone else?

But Dr. Dork did make sure to tell me he's not saying that Taz doesn't have bipolar. They are just thinking about it very carefully.

Whatever.

Then he stressed a behavior management program at home and that Taz isn't have any behavior problems at the hospital. Yeah, well great. It's been 3 days!

I told him very firmly that I didn't just put my kid in a hospital to have him labeled ADHD and then tell me it's my parenting. I have done everything every professional has told me to do with him. I have a background in special ed. We are smart resourceful people. We have already fought with professionals who've told us it was our fault. I'm not playing the blame game anymore and I will take him home if that's what's going to happen.

I can get any doctor to prescribe an ADHD medication. One look at Taz and no one would deny ADHD.

Well I don't think Dr. Dork has ever dealt with a parent like me. He backed right up and assured me that's not what's going on and they just want to try Intuniv because we haven't tried anything like that yet and it's the simplest to try. If it doesn't work they will consider other options, maybe mood stabilizers.

Which brings me to my next issue. Behavior management.

Sigh.

Next post I'll continue my rant.

Oh, and I miss my son immensely. I have had multiple emotional breakdowns these last couple days. More on that next post too.

Round Two: Hope is Still in the Lead

2010-07-22T07:29:00.004-04:00

My mom and I visited Taz at the hospital last night. He was bouncing off the walls, which is generally how he's been at home, but usually he's more subdued in new places. But no, he was talking a mile a minute, dancing around, barely able to focus on anything. He's definitely still manic.

But he was happy to see us. He even gave Chica a big hug and kiss. He wanted us to stay in his room. He didn't want to show us around or tell us what he did that day. He just wanted us to watch him play as he danced around and blabbered away. Even my mom noticed a huge difference from how he usually is. She didn't believe me at first that he needed to be in the hospital but on the way home she told that now she does because Taz is just not "there" right now.

Pretty quickly he started having trouble with Chica. I ended up getting a nurse to come in and help us because that's one of the main issues at home and I wanted to be consistent with whatever behavior program they're using with him. When the nurse came in she brought the psychiatrist assigned to Taz along. The nurse asked Taz what was going on. He said he wanted to crash us with a big monster truck. Then he said very quickly that he wanted to go home. It broke my heart. I couldn't respond right away because I was afraid I'd start crying.

Then the psychiatrist (Dr. F) pulled me aside while my mom played with Taz. Dr. F told me he had a chance to do some observation and testing with Taz. He said he definitely can see some pretty big delays. He had to do the testing in short 2 minutes bursts because of his attention span. He didn't dispute the bipolar diagnosis like I thought he would. He did say that we probably needed a strong behavioral program at home when Taz is released (I know that's a bad word but I can't think of a better one).

Dr. F sounded very experienced and knowledgeable about treating kids with mental illness, especially kids with similar issues to Taz. I asked him if he sees a lot of kids like him. He said, yes, a lot. He said that Taz has a lot of things working against him; born addicted to drugs, developmental delays, early childhood trauma, and genetics. But that he has things working for him too; a stable home environment and good advocates getting him the best treatment we can. That's the first time a professional has ever acknowledged the work we do. I like him already :)

Dr. F wants to try Intuniv, which I believe is an ADHD drug. I'm sure Taz qualifies for that diagnosis but Dr. F thinks he has the bipolar as well. The reason he wants to try it is because they've found that with kids born addicted to drugs, the non-stimulant ADHD medications inhibit the fight or flight response that's the main driving force of the behavior. When he said that I said, "yes, let's have that please!" Because Dh and I noticed that Taz seems to be almost in constant flight or flight mode.

Dr. F also mentioned trying a new form of Risperdal that they've found doesn't wear off after a few months like it has been for a lot of people. He also mentioned the possibility of a mood stabilizer. It all depends on how the Intuniv works.

He told me he sees the kids every day to monitor how the medication is working. That's the good thing about being inpatient is they can raise the dose much quicker. So while we're adjusting the meds Chica is safe from him, and hopefully after 10-14 days Taz can come home. While I know there's no miracle cure, I think the combination of new medication, our in-home program (which is going to start right away), and the structure of school starting in the fall, will make a huge difference. I asked Dr. F if he felt like it was good for Taz to be there and if he felt it would harm him. He said it was good. I'm worried about attachment but I'll get into that in another post.

So...hope is still out there my friends.

Oh, and after I went back to the visit with Taz he had calmed down a bit and agreed to take us on a tour, then gave big hugs as we said goodbye.

What Not to Say

2010-07-21T13:13:00.005-04:00

So I totally stole this post. Read it if you haven't already. It's not only forcefully honest, it's also pretty funny. I couldn't have written it better myself.

I have an update from the hospital I'll write out tonight as well as my ER stories. Stick with me.

Hope?

2010-07-20T22:00:00.004-04:00

We checked Taz into a wonderful inpatient hospital program this afternoon (after 24 hours in the Emergency Room). It seems like a great place. The staff was warm and friendly. They are bending the rules a bit by letting us visit extra and putting a different behavioral system in place for him since he doesn't understand points and levels.

Taz has his own room, which I prefer because he's so little. I don't ever want him to be a victim of another sick child (although there's plenty of supervision, I'm just paranoid!). There's a wonderful recreation/play room with video games, movies, toys, and a sensory table with sand (Taz will love that!). They go outside every day. The wing is bright and cheery.

What won me over was the staff. They appeared happy and to really enjoy the kids, not like other places where everyone looks like they hate their job. The kids were all happy (in the moment, I know they're there for a reason). There weren't any big violent kids (also a little paranoia of mine) because they only accept kids to age 13 since they specialize more with the younger ages. There were a few kids with autism and neurological disorders so I'm glad the hospital is used to that because that's sort of part of Taz's bag. He's not straight behavioral/emotional. He has neuro stuff going on too. They seemed to understand that.

I think that we'll be able to consult with a neurologist while we're there too, which is something we've been pushing for. Unfortunately there's a shortage of children's neuros in my state so the ones we have aren't seeing kids for developmental issues, only for seizures. The wait list is 6-12 months long! I think at this hospital we'll at least get a consult while he's there!

The Emergency Room, however, was a whole different experience. We went back to the same hospital as Friday. Now this is a children's hospital mind you. Like, a very well-known, highly recommended children's hospital. We've been here a thousand times for medical issues and have been treated wonderfully. The psych section (or behavioral health as they call it) of the ER felt like a whole different place. I just wanted to scream these kids are sick, they're not criminals!

Tomorrow I'll write out some pretty depressing stories about how "behavioral health" patients are treated in the ER. It made me worried for Taz's future. But if any of those kids were mine, you can be sure I would have told off a few nurses, EMT's, and security guards (they were the worst!). I'll write tomorrow. It was surely an interesting night.

Right now I'm feeling satisfied that we found him a good program. But I have to admit I've cried almost every tear my body could possibly produce today. I held it together in front of every professional and in front of Taz. But I fell apart in between, mostly in the car. When we left the unit after getting Taz settled in I lost it in the elevator. And I cried through the hallways of the hospital and out to the car. Poor Chica was so concerned she kept patting my face and kissing me. Everyone I walked by must have thought someone died.

I remember another mother of a child with bipolar wrote she felt empty after her child was hospitalized. I totally agree with that feeling. Empty. Like part of me is missing. My baby is away from me. He's safe and well taken care of, but still....away. I just want to scoop him up and bring him home. But I want him to be well. More than anything to be able to healthy and functioning.

I know the little boy that exists inside him. The happy-go-lucky, funny, charismatic, compassionate, sweet little guy that is buried under all that rage and confusion and fear. I want the little boy I know and love back. That's why I'm risking the hospitalization. I know it's not ideal for a 4 yr old. But I'm risking it because I think it's better for him to get the short term, intense "fix" (as in medication change) under the safety of professionals then hang around in this terrible state of limbo.

I have hope. And I have pain. Maybe hope will win. Maybe it will all be worth it in the end.

Brief Update from DH

2010-07-19T22:35:00.003-04:00

DH guest blogging for all of the followers:

Things are no better now than Saturdays post below. We took Taz back to the ER this afternoon. They weren't able to do an initial eval until this evening. Taz is spending the night in an exam room in the ER waiting for a bed to open up in an inpatient facility in the AM. Even if it does, 2 of the 3 options involve J staying at her Mom's house an hour + away with Chica for the duration of the hospital stay. Consequently, we're hoping for a good outcome in the AM. I'm sure J will be back in a few days with a new post. In the meantime, we continue to lay siege on the Bipolar Battlefield.

To Sum Things Up

2010-07-18T11:59:00.002-04:00

The EMPS (Emergency Mobile Crisis Team) clinician came to the house yesterday. This was promised by the ER clinician because there were no beds for inpatient and we needed a plan. We'll call this lady Ms. W.

It was clear she had a lot of experience with these types of situations and she agreed (as did everyone) that Taz does seem dangerous to have in the house with a 1 yr old who constantly sets him off. Speaking of, he's been home all weekend with Dh and I while Chica has been at my mom's. He hasn't been perfect. He still falls apart at the slightest stress. And he is still spewing angry violent thoughts for no reason. But he is much better than when Chica is here.

Now I can't very well get rid of Chica. Or Taz. So they have to learn to live with each other. And Taz has to learn some self-control and stop hurting her.

So Ms. W didn't have the miracle answers we were hoping for. There may or may not be such a thing as therapeutic preschool. I can tell you I've been around and have never heard of it but she is going to make some calls first thing tomorrow Monday to find out.

She recommended DCF voluntary services, which we've been told already. Yes, this is great idea. But, it is also a lot of paperwork and time. And like I explained before, I can't hold off of keeping everyone safe until these things can happen. I can't hold on for weeks until the in-home program starts (which is only 10 hours a week anyway), DCF does all their paperwork and get a parent aide and a child mentor.

I need help now. As in tomorrow when Dh goes back to work. I'm home alone with the two kids 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 7 weeks until school starts. And when school starts, it's only 2.5 hours a day.

I explained this to Ms. W and she completely agreed we needed help. Unfortunately there's just not much she can do. I can keep calling 211 to get an EMPS worker out there. But they can't stay the whole day. If I need someone the whole day to keep the kids safe, then he needs to go to the hospital. And that's that.

If there are no beds, you just have to keep coming back over and over until they get sick of seeing you and make a bed. Well, I don't really know what they do at that point. But that's what I've been told. You have to keep trying. But maybe by the time that happens we'll have found a good med combo and things will be better. Well, I can hope, right?

The Hospital

2010-07-17T20:20:00.001-04:00

Here's the full story I referred to in my last post about the ER.

So you all know this has been a long period of instability and even more importantly, increased aggression towards our daughter Chica. I have been fighting hard against the hospital route because I don't want to traumatize Taz by sending him somewhere overnight without us. It's a lot for any kid especially one so young.

But everyone kept telling me that's what had to be done, professionals included. After talking with our psychologist yesterday to get her opinion on it (she's known us for a year now and is also experienced with adoption issues) I felt more confident about the possibility of impatient if we really needed to keep Taz and Chica safe. Dr. B had worked in that hospital and knew all the ins and outs and it does truly sound like a remarkable program. This has been repeated over by several people.

When I picked up Taz from a drop-in daycare after the appointment he was already wired. Like I said, he's been escalating for a couple weeks now. He can usually hold himself together for other people but was even having a rough time with the childcare provider (had hit other kids, been defiant, yelling, etc). When we got home it spiraled downward immediately.

First he was just shouting, calling names, telling me to shut up, even though I wasn't doing anything to him. Or my favorite, he asks me a question, I answer it, and then he screams to shut up. Gotta love that logic huh?

I started getting lunch ready during this verbal attack. This is not unusual for him but it is a sign that worse things are coming. Then he escalated to kicking anything in his path and throwing random objects around. Not exactly at me but just around.

I was changing Chica's diaper and that's when he threw a toy directly at me. DH feels that Taz has absolutely no concept of the consequences for his behavior, be it natural (throw a toy and it breaks) nor controlled (hurt someone get time-out). So after weeks of consistently enforcing a negative consequence for every act of aggression and seeing absolutely no positive result from it, we decided to make a change in our technique. Instead we were going to keep everyone safe by shadowing him to stop an aggressive act before it happens and talk him down verbally by using a calm voice and trying to find out what he needs.

So I attempted that. I followed Taz while he threw things around trying to catch them before they did any damage. I tried to figure out what he needed and calm him down. This did not work. I think he was just so out of control of himself that it didn't matter what anyone said, he could not stop himself from being destructive.

The destruction was so imminent that I couldn't even leave him long enough to clean up Chica who had apparently grown bored of eating yogurt and threw the cup of the floor (which the dog licked up) but not before using it as a lovely hair moisturizer. So poor Chica had to sit there with raspberry yogurt all over her until I could get Taz sequestered somewhere safely and attempt to clean her off.

I tried to keep Taz in the playroom, which he destroyed, throwing toys around, ripping up mail, then finally coming out to attack me. I just stood in his way and blocked him whenever he tried to throw something or hurt me. Then he wanted his pants changed cause they were wet so I told him to go to the laundry room and I would help him. On the way he knocked over a stool, then swiped everything off of one of our counter tops. Then he attacked me while I attempted to change him. I stepped back and told him I can't help him when he's hurting me and he was able to maintain control just barely enough while I changed him. But as soon as he saw Chica coming towards the room we were in, he was full force attack mode. I used my body as a shield but she kept getting in the line of fire so I had to lock her out of the room until we were done. I felt so bad for her crying for me in the hallway and I couldn't comfort her.

After that point things are a bit blurry. I remember trying to call Dh to see if he thought Taz should go to the hospital. I was on the phone with Dh when Taz suddenly jumped on Chica, laid on her back and shoved her face into the floor while trying to scratch her head. I grabbed him of course so he wasn't on her for long, but it can happen in an instant. I tried to hold Taz back while he clawed and kicked at me while talking to Dh about what to do.

Finally I just realized this was ridiculous. Taz obviously needed something that we just couldn't give him. And I think he still does. But I'll get to that. The fact that I had to stand in front of him blocking his every move for so long that I couldn't even clean up my daughter in her high chair (the yogurt is still on the wall by the way) is just no way to live!

So I decided to take him to the ER. My initial plan was to get them in the car and drop Chica off at a friend's house. I couldn't even get to the door. I was trying to let my dog out while holding on to Taz (who was still being destructive) and Chica followed me to the door (probably cause she was scared), and Taz got a good swing at her. I realized I couldn't even get him to the car in the state he was in. I put him on the couch and stood in front of it so he couldn't get off. Chica, luckily, got busy playing somewhere else (I don't know where. She was probably eating sand or something).

So with Taz on the couch I called the 211 number for Emergency Mobile Crisis Team. I was a little more than shaken at this point. I was trying really hard to keep myself together. But I must have sounded like a wreck on the phone because coupled with Taz screaming in the background the operator told me to call 911.

I wasn't about to send my 4 yr old on an ambulance to an ER for the first time by himself. So I called Dh to come home. Of course, by that time Taz had calmed down. But I knew it wasn't over so I pushed Dh to drive him into the city to try to get him admitted.

Our first option we would have liked to happen was to be admitted to the special cares unit which is a little bit like a regular hospital room and the parent can stay with the child while the doctor's and clinicians change medication (which Taz desperately needs). But they wouldn't take a child under 5 there. There are 3-4 hospitals in our state that will take a 4 yr old (if absolutely needed) but all of them that take state insurance were full.

The good thing is that the ER saw Dh and Taz right away. Apparently if you say your child is unsafe they take you immediately into the back of the ER (there's a special corner) where there are observation rooms and special psychiatry staff. Dh and I are calling it the "crazy corner" because apparently that's where they hide the psych patients so they don't scare the others.

Oh, yeah, and you can't wear shoes, bring a bag or toys, food or drink into the room. I understand because of kids who are at-risk for suicide but he's only 4, you'd think there would be an exception. BUT THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. Apparently. Honestly, a hospital is no place for a young child. But unfortunately, neither is in a home with an even younger child.

So after a few hours of intake and observation (in which Taz was slightly anxious and agitated) the clinician said she understood the severity of the violence and danger but didn't really want to admit him impatient and there were no beds available anyway. Dh asked how to get a bed if we really needed one and she didn't seem to hopeful about that. There are never enough beds for kids who need them. They are always full. You have to just keep coming back over and over and hope one opens up while you're there. There was a child in the ER who had been there for 4 days waiting for a bed. Yikes.

While Dh and Taz were there I had driven Chica to my mom's for the weekend so I was only involved over the phone. Now let's face it....sometimes.... in some families....the moms are the fighters. At least in my family. I have no problem being "that mom" once in a while. So I wasn't going to accept that there were no beds, go home, it's not our problem. Not when my child needed help. So I made Dh tell the clinician that he wasn't going anywhere without a plan or we would just be back on Monday.

Now...here's what's going on with the psychiatrist. Dr. S is not around until Tuesday. So the earliest that we can see him for a med change would be an emergency appointment possibly Tuesday night. To some people that doesn't seem too far away. But what most people don't understand is that come Monday, Dh is back at work and I have both kids by myself all day again. Think about that. Eight hours of total instability trying to keep both kids safe. I literally have to shadow Taz's every move. How can I possibly do that while also parenting a toddler, feeding kids, letting the dog out once in a while, and even using the bathroom myself a couple times (I know, imagine that!)?

Since no one else seems to be thinking through all of this, I have to! I'm living it. I'm the one who is going to be right back in the ER when things go down the same way first thing Monday morning. Even if we could hold out until Tuesday afternoon...what chance is there that whatever new medication Dr. S is going to prescribe is going to work the next day anyway? We've already exhausted most of the quick acting AP's. Dr. S said himself that we needed to get more creative with medications and start trying different combinations because Taz is very hard to treat. So even with a med change, this is going to take time. Time that costs a lot. With Chica's safety being the highest price.

The clinician at the hospital didn't think it was a good idea to admit Taz under any circumstances but everyone we see in the community thinks it is appropriate. The ER clinician (we'll call her Dr. Er) was very concerned about Taz's issues and the level of aggression so she came up with another plan instead of admission. By the way, she did speak with our psychologist who confirmed the safety issues we were having so I know Dr. Er believed us.

The plan at discharge stood that EMPS (Emergency Mobile Crisis Team) would come today (which they did and I'll update that too) to make a plan for getting us in-home help and possible enrollment in a therapeutic preschool immediately. At least that's what I was told.

I'm going to post this so people can catch up then I'll write out what the EMPS clinician said.

The ER Visit

2010-07-16T21:38:00.002-04:00

Dh took Taz to the ER today to be admitted into the psych hospital. I'll write out the whole story tomorrow. Here's the condensed version.

No beds. He's home. Chica's at my moms for the weekend. Emergency Mobile Crisis Team clinician coming tomorrow to put programs in place in the home and enroll him in a therapeutic preschool. I know of no such thing but that's what they said. I really hope they weren't shitting me.

...to be continued...

Homeschooling: My Temporary Moment of Insanity

2010-07-13T20:16:00.003-04:00

So you all have been reading my last few posts right?

So you know that we've been out of school now for about a month?

And you also know that it hasn't been going so well?

Yeah, that about explains it.

Homeschooling? Hell no!

It sounded nice. It still does. Maybe I'll do it for Chica. But at the stage we're at now, there's just no way.

My entire day is spent keeping Taz away from Chica. There is absolutely no room for learning. All my wonderful plans of recreating my glorious childhood summers have been washed away by the bipolar tsunami.

I wanted to live at the beach this summer. Turns out Taz doesn't even like the beach. Well, he likes it when it's not hot or crowded. And I'm not taking him to the beach at 10pm.

All Taz really wants to do in life is ride his powerwheels car, hunt for worms, and fill water balloons.

So how do I explain my original plan of homeschooling Taz in the fall?

I plead temporary insanity.

Answers

2010-07-12T20:20:00.000-04:00

No, no, mostly no.

Okay, I'm being dramatic. But that's what the day felt like. For real though. It was a no for the partial hospital program, which I'm really bummed about because I think it would have been really good.

I have childcare for at least one child for the rest of the week but after that I'm at a loss.

I called DCF voluntary services to see if they can hook us up with a camp or something. They can't. But they can give us a mentor for a couple hours a week. That's a start.

We've already been on the waiting list for the Intensive In-home Psychiatric Services Program, which would be really great but it's a long list. DCF might be able to get us pushed up on that list. It's worth a shot.

I called Dr. S and he said finding the right medications is going to be tough. We're going back to twice a day with the Abilify since that was better before. Then he'll add an anti-depressant next week when we see him. He said to bring him to the hospital if he gets really dangerous.

What exactly is really dangerous? As opposed to just regular dangerous?

I'll give you some examples.

Taz has attacked me with pointy objects, but not Chica, yet. But like I said in my last post, he made her bleed twice yesterday. He threw a wooden train at close range as hard as he could at her face and now she has a nice purple bruise on her forehead. Is that really dangerous? He's kicked her in the head and stomach. He's scratched her on her face. Is that too dangerous or just regular dangerous? Or not dangerous at all? I don't have any normal standards to compare to. Anyone? Anyone?

He hits and kicks and bites us. But that I can take. I'm worried about Chica. I'm worried she's going to have PTSD from living with her brother. She already flinches and hits the ground whenever he goes near her, good mood or not. She's scared he's going to knock her over or hurt her. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I'm trying to get a home health aide through insurance but I highly doubt they'll pay for it.

The best thing that happened today is when I wrote a facebook message to my church pastor and his wife about Taz and asking if they knew anyone in the church who wouldn't mind babysitting once in a while, they literally called less than an hour later. And get this...they were on vacation! How amazing is that? The wife is a teacher at a school for kids with behavior and emotional disorders so she gets kids like Taz. She said they will think of how to help us. She also assured me that the local psychiatric hospital we would send Taz to if we had to is an excellent place. That she's dealt with them here and there and they are kind caring staff. And that sometimes they can pick up on things outpatient facilities can't because they are more intensive in their assessment. Just her phone call alone made me feel so much better about our situation. So thank God for them today!

As for tomorrow, we'll see what happens.

Hospital Day Program? Any Better Ideas?

2010-07-11T20:25:00.003-04:00

Quick update then I'll post more tomorrow after I get some answers.

Emergency psych appointment last week wielded a raise in Abilify dose. Taz actually got worse after. We went back down to the regular dose right away. Taz was still going haywire.

We took him off the Abilify entirely. No difference, maybe even slightly better off of it in some ways. He's completely manic. He ran into traffic yesterday, almost got hit by a car, then laughed hysterically and tried to do it again. He's more hyper than I've seen in a long time, laughing at everything.

He woke up yesterday saying he wants to fight us. He was going to blow up our house and destroy everybody. He wants to shoot us and make us dead.

After he made Chica bleed twice in one day (nose bleed from ramming his bike into her and mouth bleed from yanking her face into a metal table leg), I realized I literally can not handle him by myself while caring for our 16 month old daughter. So we decided to call the local psych hospital day program to see if we can get him into the partial program during daytime hours during the week.

I'm calling tomorrow morning. I'll update after. The website says ages 5 and up so it's a bit of a stretch since he's only four. I don't know if they'll take him but I'm hoping if I sound desperate enough they can make an exception. I think the structure would be good. But I don't have a back-up plan if it doesn't work out. He can't be home with Chica. I don't work and can't afford full-time daycare. I have nowhere for either kid to go.

Anyone have ideas if the day program won't take him?

Violence

2010-07-05T11:03:00.005-04:00

Taz told my husband while I was away that he wanted to shoot Chica, put her in the garbage can, and the garbage men to take her away.

Okay...it's not really funny but it is a little funny....that Dh then asked Taz what garbage can he wants to put her in so that we know where to look should she go missing.

He has also started using the k-i-l-l word. Yikes.

Emergency psychiatrist appointment tomorrow morning will hopefully bring us something to help with these violent thoughts.

On a more positive note, here is a favorite picture from our mini-vacation last week. You know, the one I posted about where we left early cause no one was having fun? Yeah, well, here was one good moment from our trip.

Unraveling

2010-06-29T11:45:00.000-04:00

Why do all my trip narrations have to end with the word "disaster"?

We went to a popular tourist town by the beach this weekend for a mini-vacation. I was a little nervous with Taz unraveling so quickly this week. But I figured playing at the beach, swimming in a pool, watching the boats, what 4 year old wouldn't have fun doing that?

Mine, that's who.

I can't understand how on earth a little boy just can not seem to have fun on vacation. And a kid centered vacation at that!

I don't know if the issues centered around anxiety or depression or being outside our normal routine.

He wanted to switch activities every 20 minutes, which is great for camp, but not so great when you just packed up all your swim stuff and got in the pool with a 1 year old who loves the water. So we had a lot of meltdowns, a whole lot of whining, and some perseverating on random thoughts and ideas.

We left early, as usual. It made me incredibly sad, as usual. Can we ever go on vacation again? Why can't my kid seem to have fun like normal kids? Why does everything overwhelm him so much? Are doomed to stay in our house forever?

I have scabs on my hands and arms from where he scratched me and made me bleed. It's really hard for me to remove him from places now that he's bigger and really strong. I can do it but not without getting hurt. Especially if I'm juggling something else in my arms, a purse, (or a baby perhaps!). This weekend I had my husband to help, which it turns out is a necessity on vacations. I would even venture to say that if we were to do a vacation again, we would need other adults to help too.

Anyway, I'm visiting my best friend who lives out of state for the next few days and having a blast! This trip has cleared me, temporarily, of the troubles at home. I'll post again with some more thoughts and details later.

Oh, and Taz's mood...didn't get any better when we got home.

I Can't Calm Down!

2010-06-21T12:19:00.003-04:00

Taz has become more attuned to his behavior and body lately and more verbal about his feelings. It's wonderful in one way, because we can use this to teach him. But harder in some ways because it's heartbreaking to hear what he's going through. And I think I'm realizing just how much he can't control.

We are hearing a lot of I can'ts

"I can't calm down!"

"I can't stay away from Chica!"

"I can't be nice!"

His need to interfere with Chica all the time is becoming a compulsion driving him like an engine. If she does something wrong, he must interfere, despite the fact that we tell him over and over that it's our job to take care of Chica, not his. If she talks too loudly or yells or looks at him when he's mad or touches something of his, he must do something to her. Usually a hit or scratch or push but sometimes more.

I think I've described before how unsafe he can be with her. But this compulsion is just driving us all crazy! He tries to stop himself, I can see him try, but the itch usually gets the better of him. Which is why supervision is getting harder and more important than ever before.

Dh and I were just talking about how we basically are living out of laundry baskets because we never get time to fold clothes and put them away. Most moms can give their children an activity to entertain them for a short time. Or put a movie on. Or maybe allow them to help with the chore. But I can't. I absolutely can not do chores with the kids awake and no adult help.

I feel like my entire day is filled up with keeping the kids apart, being hyper-vigilant when their together, keeping activities going so Taz is entertained, playing outside, getting them drinks, getting them snacks, changing diapers, and maybe trying really hard to cook dinner. When Dh gets home the place is a disaster, the kids are usually cranky and hungry, and dinner is half cooked. Thank God he is a patient husband and good father.

Oh, and that he doesn't have some medieval view of gender roles.

Anyway, I sort of rambled here. But chores are a big issue. Taz doesn't even have the focus to clean up his own toys. I have to literally point to every single toy and tell him one at a time where to put it. And even then I still have to remind him of what he's doing when he gets distracted on the way to the toy basket. It's more exhausting than picking them up myself and takes 5 times as long! Chica, who's 3 years younger, does a better job.

Well, I never meant for this post to be about cleaning but I guess that's what's on my mind today :)

The Picnic Disaster

2010-06-19T13:20:00.002-04:00

I don't even know why I bother sometimes.

Taz had an end-of-the-year picnic for his preschool at a local park/beach. I had no idea how many kids actually went to his preschool until I drove up to see about 200 people there. The event was very well organized but it still felt chaotic. Problem #1: Chaos and noise do not make Taz a very happy boy.

Each child was assigned a colored bracelet that corresponded to an order of activities. First up was music. Taz did okay. There were dancing games and songs with hand motions but mostly Taz rocked his head (like Stevie Wonder, remember that from my sensory post?) because he was anxious. But he tolerated it. After music we were supposed to do a dress-up relay race. Problem #2: It was hot. Like 90 degrees hot. Heat does not make Taz a happy boy either. He saw the dress up clothes, then the other kids running to the cone and he was not impressed. I enticed him to try the race by telling him he can show everyone how fast he can run. The teacher tried to get him to put on the clothing and he said, "I already have a shirt". Duh. What kid would want to put on extra clothes when it's 90 degrees out? So she let it go and just let him run. After his turn, he was done. I mean with the whole thing. No more activities, no playground, nothing, he was done. And when Taz is done, it's usually best to leave. But I didn't.

So we took a break in the shade instead. Then Taz started obsessing about where his teacher is and wanting to play her game (each teacher was assigned a different game to run). It wasn't our turn to be at that game but I didn't care. We jumped into another group and played her game. One of the teachers running this particular game could see that Taz was losing it and couldn't wait in line so she let him jump in front of the other kids twice. I was not popular with the parents that day, but I never am. After playing that for about a quarter of the time the other kids did, he was ready to move on. That's when he noticed the beach.

Now the picnic rules said there was no swimming allowed. But this beach was open to the public so there were actually people swimming. Both my kids love the water so how can I not allow them near it? So I thought maybe if I let them wade their feet in the water for a little bit Taz would calm down and participate in some of the games. Big mistake.

Chica, who is usually my laid back girlie, freaked out that I wouldn't let her go all the way in. She thinks she's a fish. She will walk straight into the water and not stop until we pull her back. I have never seen her so mad in all her life. She was not going to tolerate just dipping her feet.

Taz's anxiety was getting the better of him and the beach wasn't helping like I thought it would. So I picked up Chica and sat in the grass to put their shoes on. Chica screamed which set Taz off even more and he started throwing sticks at her while yelling to "shut up!" All the while I'm trying to dry their feet off with my shirt and get their shoes back on.

I was tempted to leave but I had packed a wonderful picnic lunch and I knew if we could just hold out a little longer he'd be able to eat in the shade with his friends and have fun. So, because I always have a truck in the back of my car for situations like these, I asked Taz if he'd like to push his truck around and collect wood-chips. This is usually very calming for him. He said yes.

So I hiked all the way up the hill I parked on carrying Chica, who's 20 lbs, in the 90 degree heat, got Taz's giant dump truck and carried it back down to him. He ran to me and started screaming that he was hungry. Like a desperate about-to-seriously-melt-down screaming to eat. There was no point fighting it.

So even though we were the only one's not playing any games, and the only ones starting lunch, that's what we did. We had our lunch while all the other kids (including the other special ed kids) participating in the activities in one way or the other. I looked around and felt very sad. Sad that my child was simply not able to have fun. He couldn't handle these normal childhood experiences. I so badly want him to be able to. But I know he just can't. And I have to stop going to these things thinking that this time he'll be able to do it.

After we had our lunch he was in a better mood. Of course the games were over and the other kids were starting their picnic lunches. That's when Taz asked if he could play the games. Go figure!

Oh yeah, and he never even used the truck.

We're Okay

2010-06-14T11:55:00.002-04:00

So my last blog post wasn't too hopeful. But I'm going to try to be more optimistic with this one.

We're doing better. We added a third dose of Abilify in the middle of the day. I find that if I give it to Taz a little early we can head off a lot of problems. If we're late, we have big problems. The afternoon dose has gone up a little too. I have to give it to him by 5pm or we head downhill for the whole evening.

If he gets his meds on time and we keep the environment quiet and as stress-free as possible then he is manageable. Not perfect, but much better than before. If things get chaotic, noisy, or stressful for him, then he gets chaotic and loses all stability. So it's a very careful balance.

Balance. We're back to the word again.

I feel like Taz is a room that we have to feng shiu. We can't move the furniture around too much or the chi will be off. Or something like that. I don't know much about the art of Asian decorating.

The point is....we're okay.

Is it Just Me or Is Everyone Having a Hard Time Right Now?

2010-06-08T13:24:00.004-04:00

It seems like a lot of bipolar kids are ending up in the hospital (or very close to it) right now. We are having issues here and I'm starting to wonder when that point will come.

Taz had a big episode of uncontrollable...I don't even know what to call it....rage? No. It alternated between extreme aggression and hysterical sobbing. I switched from restraining him to rocking him. It lasted about an hour. This was on Friday.

What scared me about this episode is that I had a lot of trouble keeping Chica safe. If she got close, which inevitably she would being 1 and wanting to be with me, she would or could get hurt.

The weekend consisted of a lot of violence as well but Dh was here to help. Dr. S (psychiatrist) upped the Abilify to three times a day to see if it would help. We just started it today but it's already been rough. Taz woke up and almost immediately slapped his sister in the face. Later in the day he smacked her hard on the head then tried to kick her in the face. This isn't even counting the aggression towards me and Dh. Biting, kicking, scratching, hitting, with purpose and all his strength behind it.

He's getting to the point where I can't move him safely anymore. If he's in the car and doesn't want to get out, it's not as easy to pull him out and "force" him inside as it used to be. I'm sure most of you are way past that with older kids but Taz is so young that we've been able to do that until recently. I've had to put him in a booster seat in the front passenger side (with air bag off) because every car trip he has tried to hurt Chica. I end up watching the rear view mirror more than the road.

The unrestrained violence towards us and more importantly, Chica, has been a huge concern for me lately. It is getting worse and more severe every day. Dr. S is talking about which local hospitals to bring him too in case we need to.

I really don't want to. Obviously. But probably even more than a parent of a biological child doesn't want to. With Taz being adopted I'm afraid leaving him overnight in a facility without us will be too traumatic and he'll never recover. I'm afraid it will shake his attachment and security with us to it's core and that will create a whole other issue.

But I'm scared and overwhelmed with how to keep Chica safe at home alone. I'm investigating how to get some help. The story about Jani Schofield gave me the idea of contacting psychology students at local campuses to do internships with us. I don't know if that will turn anything out. We may not be famous enough.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I keep them separate as much as one person can keep a 4 year old and a 1 year old separate. I never leave them alone together. I even walk backwards if I have to go to the other side of room so that my eyes never leave them, especially if they are playing close to one another.

It's hard living in a state of hyper-vigilance. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Or I'm gonna start growing eyes in the back of my head or something.

Anyway, I do want to post about a school issue I had today. Maybe I'll get to it tomorrow.

And finally, those of you with hospitalized children or who are headed that way, I am so sorry and wish you all the support and hope in the world.

The Balancing Act

2010-05-31T21:27:00.004-04:00

I've been wanting to write a post for a week now about medication and an update, but then things change so quickly that I end up staring at the computer not really sure what to write. At first the Abilify seemed to be working. But then Taz started getting really irritable in the afternoon and crying for several hours at a time starting at around noon every day.

We added a second dose of Abilify last week and kept the Risperdal as just a PRN for when Taz starts getting manic. The afternoon crying spells seemed to clear up but now he is just irritable all day with some stable times in between. The "good" thing is that he is not manic much anymore. When he starts heading that way the small Risperdal dose brings him right down. But the whiny irritability is fluctuating daily. On Sunday he whined for literally 5 hours about going to the beach. We couldn't go that day but went on Monday instead. On our way to the beach on Monday he whined about wanting to pet a horse. It seems like nothing makes him happy.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I will report all of this to the psychiatrist either this week, if it gets really bad, or at our next appointment a couple weeks from now. He mentioned last time about adding an anti-depressant if we can't find anything to treat the mania without causing the depression.

I'm now realizing just how much of a balancing act medication is. It's just like a scale, to keep things in balance you have to have the exact amount not to tip it one way or another. It's a very delicate task to keep the scale perfectly even. Same with medicating a child with bipolar.

And right now I feel like it's an impossible task. Think of just how many combinations of medication, dosage, and timing there are. And just when we may find something that works, Taz will go and have a growth spurt and we'll be starting all over again. What's the point? Is it really worth it?

I'm hoping so. The alternative to continuing to try is to give up. And what I know about not medicating is that we're guaranteed a tormented, out-of-control little boy. With medication I wake up every morning hoping this will be a day where we see our bright sunshiny boy! And sometimes we do. Not as often as we'd like. But still enough to keep us going.

Things You Never Wanted to Know About Me

2010-05-24T20:36:00.000-04:00

I got my very first blog award! Whatever that means. I'm honored, even though 14 other bloggers got the same award. Anyway, now I'm supposed to tell seven things about myself. I am not as creative (or have as many working brain cells right now) as Adrienne at No Points for Style who picked at theme for her seven things. So let's just say my theme is "Random". And here are seven random things about myself that you probably didn't want to know.

1. I have 5 tattoos.

2. If I could have any super power it would be to eat whatever I want and not gain weight. Yes, I realize this is incredibly selfish. But I love food. And it doesn't love me.

3. I am a spelling and grammar nazi. And no, I am not an English major. But when my facebook friends write status updates with misspelled words it takes all I have not to leave a comment correcting it (and sometimes I do).

4. I'm obsessed with hand lotion. I have sensory issues and hate when my hands feel dry. I also can't stand chalk, felt, baby powder, and sand paper.

5. I was once hypnotized in a comedy show and thought I was Aretha Franklin and sang R-E-S-P-E-C-T in front of a crowd of about two hundred.

6. Dh calls me a job hopper. I've never kept the same job longer than 2 years. My most interesting jobs have been selling cotton candy at the circus, painting ski lifts in Vermont, and massage therapy. My favorite job was working at a school for kids with autism. Second runner up - Dairy Queen.

7. I'm pretty well traveled, some of my favorite places include: Glacier National Park in Montana (most beautiful), Amsterdam (coolest city), Puerto Rico, Mexico (nicest people), Mammoth Lakes California, Brussels Belgium (most tasty treats), and Horseshoe Beach in Bermuda. The saddest place I've ever been is St.Petersburg Russia.

So there you go. Seven random things you didn't want to know about me. If you have any complaints, take it up with Adrienne ;)

Oh, and I'm supposed to tag 15 people except that the only 15 people my blog is linked to (which only has to do with mental illness) have already been tagged by others. So I'm just gonna be lame and end it here.

Abilify

2010-05-19T10:30:00.002-04:00

The first question my husband asked me after we talked about the most recent med change was "how many eggs are you putting in the Abilify basket?" What do you mean, I asked. "I mean, are you going to be disappointed and fall apart when this doesn't work?"

Am I?

I don't think so, but we'll see. I'm not like Dh. I'm not a man (no offense). I can't turn my feelings off. I can't just resolve myself to the fact that Taz has a hard life or that there's not much we can do. I refuse to give up. So, yes, I have some of my eggs in the Abilify basket. But not enough to be depressed if it doesn't work out. I've gotten rid of the idea that medication will be our magical solution.

So before you start rolling your eyes about how "poor me" this post is sounding, I'll just give the facts. Dr. S is gradually going to replace the Risperdal with Abilify. I am definitely curious to see if we see positive results.

At the appointment Taz was in full hypo-manic mode. He was grabbing at everything in sight, very sensitive to Chica (who is becoming a handful in her own right), yelling nonsense words, oh- and masturbating on the floor! Yeah...how's that for embarrassing? I left this 20 minute appointment covered in sweat (despite it being 50 degrees outside) and feeling as though I just wrestled a wild animal.

The way things are right now I feel like I'm parenting 2 year old triplets. Chica is at that stage where she gets into everything, plus she's very smart and adventurous. And Taz counts as two 2 year olds just because....well....he's Taz. So if there are any triplet moms out there, I totally get it!

Number 1 - this picture is hilarious. Number 2 - it's a pretty accurate representation of what keeping up with my kids feels like right now.

Where I've Been

2010-05-17T21:07:00.000-04:00

In crisis, that's where. Okay, well, that may be a little dramatic. But it has been not so fun around here. Taz has been completely unstable. So much that I called the psychiatrist on Friday morning and demanded he do a med change over the phone. He wouldn't. But he gave us an emergency appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

But alas, sometimes life hates me. And after Friday, Taz has totally mellowed out. He had a great weekend and a pretty good day today. But such is the way bipolar works. We get week of hell then a few days of sunshine. It feels great but also has me on edge waiting for the fall-out. Well, tomorrow we go see Dr. S and I have a feeling he is going to switch the risperdal for abilify. Honestly, I am eager for the change. Risperdal seems to have almost entirely lost it's effect and Taz went off the Depakote a while ago because he was in a depressed state pretty much all the time while on it. Not to mention gaining 5 pounds in just a few weeks.

So...we're probably back to square one. I'll update after tomorrow's appointment.

Oh, by the way. My posting might be a bit sketchy this next week or so. We are in the middle of moving this week and it's been a little hectic.

How I Became a Mother

2010-05-10T20:00:00.002-04:00

I think I was always a mother at heart. I used to treat my baby dolls as if they were real children that were mine. I loved to babysit and would smile at all the children in groceries stores. And kids have always loved me.

I used to want lots of kids. Even as an adult I wanted seven of them. Secretly, ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be the Von Trapps (from Sound of Music). I was in love with the idea of having a large family with lots of kids, lots of activities and chaos (ha!). Obviously I had no idea what I was talking about.

When Taz came along almost three years ago, he redefined my version of motherhood. In reflecting back on my journey in being a mother, I realize what a hard transition it was for me. Not at all like typical mothers who have a flood of warmth and emotion for the newborn that looks like them and is so dependent on them for love and affection. In fact, my child hated me in ways I couldn't understand for the first six months of our life together.

At that time Taz was a mystery to me. At 15 months he had his own personality, his own story we knew nothing about, and his own emotional turmoil we couldn't comprehend. We loved him, yes, but we didn't know him. I remember after becoming a mom, friends and acquaintances asked me constantly how I liked it. It took all I had to smile and say I love it! when inside I felt like collapsing in a pile of tears. I felt like a huge failure. Like I had been preparing my whole life for something that, it turns out, I sucked at. I sucked at being a mom!

After we figured out that Taz had a legitimate problem, not caused by what I thought was sucky parenting, I began to relax a little. I looked at myself differently. I saw that I was actually a very patient and loving mother, even though I didn't feel like it. I didn't suck at this mothering thing, I had been dealt a hand I was not prepared for. I had a tough kid. Really tough. Who came from an even tougher circumstance. And I don't think Taz would have fared any better in another home, as I had previously thought. In fact, I think he would have done worse. He ended up right where he is supposed to be.

If Chica had come first instead of Taz, I would still have that dream of seven children. Chica is my idyllic version of motherhood. She is perfect and normal and healthy. She is loving and well-adjusted. She is calm and easy-going. She is everything I thought having a baby would be. If she came first I would begging my husband right now to adopt another. My entire mothering experience would have been different.

But that's not what was meant to be. I am happy and thankful for both my children. Parenting Chica has been marvelous and magical; full of joy and cuddles. Parenting Taz has been full of challenges. But he's taught me more lessons than I ever knew I needed to learn. He taught me about what's really important in life. He's taught me grace, forgiveness, selflessness, patience, unconditional love, and my own inner strength I didn't know was there. I've matured and gained wisdom beyond my years because of him. Having to fight so hard for his love and trust has bound us together indefinitely.

He will always be my mystery.

But he is also my heart.

He is the reason I am a mother.

Bipolar Mysteries

2010-05-07T09:45:00.002-04:00

I'm sure most of my readers have already seen Bipolar Mysteries on Discovery Health last night. I DVR'ed it and watched it this morning. I was crying like a baby.

Why?

One, because it's heartbreaking to see those kids (and parents) hurting so badly.

And two, because that is our life. That is SO our life. From the little girl Sammie crying on the floor to Chase raging in his bedroom to the older children saying they don't fit in or have friends. If someone were to come in and videotape our existence, that is what it would look like. Wow. It was eye-opening and incredibly sad.

What was interesting to me was that out of the four families, 2 were adoptive and 1 was a grandparent raising her grand-kids. And in two of the families the kids had been abused. Which proves my point that mental illness is a far greater risk for children in foster care.

What did you think? Did anyone else see themselves in that show?

***Does anyone know where I can find the entire show online? I want to send it to some people to watch.

"I Need Superman to Help Me"

2010-05-06T09:06:00.009-04:00

I have grand aspirations when it comes to Taz's extra-curricular activities. I think I have to start getting that out of my mind. I signed him up for soccer. It's specifically for 3 and 4 year olds. It's only an hour per week on Saturday mornings. Dh takes him and a lot of his preschool friends are there. It's simple games like red light green light, kicking the ball back and forth with a parent, following simple directions, etc. They don't actually have scrimmages or anything.

I thought Taz would do well at this because it's outside. There's lots of room to run around. And it doesn't really matter if he gets it right cause all the kids are just learning.

Well I was wrong. First of all, Taz is beginning to see the differences between the other kids and himself. I didn't realize at the time of registration just how hard this simple process would be for him.

Number one, he has to tune out the cars going by on the road next to the park. Then he has to tune out the other kids practicing on the field. He then has to focus long enough to listen to the coach's directions, and then process what the directions are. Then he has to coordinate his body to do the tasks which requires a great deal of effort for someone with sensory issues. During each task he has to maintain attention, repress his other sensory needs, and tune out the distractions around him. For us that may be easy. But for a kid like Taz, it's incredibly difficult. It's no wonder he only lasted 15 minutes.

Not to mention the fact that he felt pretty bad about himself when he realized he was the only one who couldn't keep up. He actually said to Dh I want superman to come help me.

Aww...it makes me so sad to think of my poor baby struggling just to keep up with a fun recreational activity like soccer. Like I said, he only lasted 15 minutes. And that was with Dh pushing him. We are going to keep trying every week, leaving when he needs to but challenging him to keep trying.

I wasn't disappointed in Taz, it's not his fault. But it makes me incredibly sad that all the other kids can at least attempt to follow the directions and have fun. And then there's Taz. Walking along the perimeter of the field, anxious and unsure, feeling bad and needing superman to help him. Poor guy.

Homeschooling

2010-05-01T20:15:00.001-04:00

I've been kicking around the idea of homeschooling for months now. It's getting to be more common everywhere, but also in the special ed world. Parents are finding out that there aren't adequate programs out there to teach our difficult, complicated children. Some districts are great and have plenty of services. Others (like ours) aren't so great at even educating the neuro-typical kids. Taz wouldn't stand a shot. He may even be out-placed to a therapeutic school, for some not a bad thing, for me, a tragedy (because of a bad experience I had working in a therapeutic school several years ago. I haven't gotten over it and I have a personal vendetta against them).

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe public school could meet his developmental, educational, emotional, social, and sensory needs. Wow. That's a long list of needs isn't it? I'm barely able to meet them and I have only one other child to look after and no pressure to pass standardized testing. I have all the time in the world to study him and understand him and all the motivation in the world to help him succeed. But even with all that, even with being his mother, I can't always do it. I can't always keep him interested in learning or motivated to challenge himself. I can't always keep him focused for longer than 2 minutes on a task. If I can't do it, how can a teacher with at least 10 other kids to worry about do it?

So I have decided to homeschool. And I fully admit I might be out of my mind. This may not work. I might go crazy. I may not be able to teach him. Taz may not be able to learn from me. I don't really know what's going to happen. But I'm going to try. And he's only four. So if it goes horribly wrong, it's only preschool right? Right?

What We Really Want From You....

2010-04-27T19:00:00.007-04:00

Our supporters, friends and family (in my opinion).

1. Listen without judgment. That's right, shut your trap and just listen.

2. Offer educated advice. Key word is educated. Yes, that means you have to dust off that book we may have given you. Or check out some links online. If you don't know what to say, go back to number one. It's okay just to listen.

3. Get to the know the child. All children need role models and special people in their lives. Bipolar kids especially do since they usually feel like no one likes them. They may lose friends at school and frustrate teachers.

4. Offer help. If you really care, get off your butt and help. That doesn't mean you have to babysit a mentally ill child (although that would be nice too). But parents have to grocery shop, which can be very difficult if not impossible with a special needs child. Some of us also have other children who may need a break, or who get tired of being dragged to all the doctor and therapy appointments. There's also laundry to be folded and meals to be cooked. Believe me, anything helps. Oh, and we won't ask out right because we don't want you to feel obligated or inconvenienced. We also feel guilty and ashamed about needing help.

5. Treat us like your other friends/family, but also realize our lives are different. And don't get frustrated if we're not always at our best. Because we are under a constant barrage of stress. So cut us some slack if we snap once and a while.

***Edit to add: Tell me I’m doing a great job and that I’m a good mother. I need to hear this often for encouragement by Mama Bear.

***Edit to add: Ask us how our kids are doing, just the same as you would a child with cancer by Jennifer.

***Edit to add: One thing I wish people would work on is learning the difference between pity and sympathy. Nobody wants to be pitied! But most of all? Number one, just like you said: Listen. You can't "fix" it for us and we don't expect you to. Just be there to listen and care. Oh, also? Anyone, anytime, is welcome to clean my bathrooms. By Adrienne.

Did I miss anything? Post a comment on what you'd like others to know and I'll edit the post to add it.

Opening a Can of Worms

2010-04-22T13:15:00.003-04:00

Well, it seems as if I got myself tangled in an online anti-psychiatry "discussion". Now I know never ever to do that again. The reason I commented in the first place was because I'm so tired of parents being displayed as "manipulated by TV commercials", pawns the doctors use to get paid by pharmaceutical companies, or "duped" into believing anything anyone says about their child. As if we don't have a brain in our heads! As if we don't know every inch of our children inside and out!

It would have helped their cause if they had been raising a child with mental illness. Or at least empathetic to those who are (or if since they don't believe in childhood MI, at least that our children are difficult and exhausting). The blog in which the debate started was at Raising Bipolar. I respect Meg because she balances caution with realism. Yes, none of us wants our child to be on medication. Or to even present symptoms that need medication. But what these anti-psychiatry pushers don't understand, because they aren't living it, is how heart-breaking it is to see your child living a nightmare. And maybe, if they don't have kids at all, they don't understand how we would do anything to protect our children because it is our natural instinct to do so.

I asked what the alternative to medication is. When you have a child displaying concerning symptoms, when they are struggling day to day just to function, if we don't use medication to help them stabilize, what should we do?

Mostly I received lots of vague and generalized suggestions.

One of which was therapy. Yes, therapy absolutely has it's place in the mental health world. And Taz does go to play therapy 1/2 hour a week... and plays with puppets. He's four! How much therapy can a four year old take?

Dh and I have been taught how to use therapeutic techniques in working with him. But as one of the anti-medication commenters pointed out, it takes a lot of time. Time that Taz does not have. He is only four once. He only has one childhood to live. If I felt that medication was taking that childhood away from him, causing "cognitive dulling" as one put it, you can bet your a$ I would take him off immediately. But, unfortunately for the anti-whatever crowd, it is helping him.

I don't think of medication as a quick fix. I think Taz will need it for the long term. But if, as a teenager or older, he would like to try using therapy to deal with his symptoms without medication, I will be more than supportive. But as he gets older, he will (hopefully) gain the ability to use introspection to guide his decisions. At four, I mean come on, his life revolves around cars and worms!

And I'm curious as to how the anti-medication crowd would use therapy to help a child have consistent sleep patterns? Last I knew REM sleep has to do with brain chemistry. It has a biological base. Is that okay to treat with medication since sleep deprivation is so detrimental to physical health? Or should we let our young children live on insignificant amounts of a very important part of our health and well-being? After all, during certain REM cycles is when growth hormones are released. Potentially, our children could be stunted physically by not intervening with sleep disorders. Is there a place for medication in that scenario? If so, why not for other brain chemistry issues? Ah well. I guess I'll never know.

Anyway, I didn't get much out of the debate, except maybe a harder look at Taz and his options. And maybe even greater confirmation that we are doing the right thing. Because when it comes down to it, I have to do something. I can't wait around for him to be old enough for the correct therapy while he loses his childhood to rage and depression.

Someone also mentioned RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), which is treated with intensive therapy and can overlap with bipolar symptoms. It can also be common for children who've been adopted out of not-so-great environments. We looked good and hard at this disorder to see if Taz fits. And he just doesn't. The key ingredients for a RAD kid are; pushing away significant relationships, no discernment between strangers and family, lacking empathy, inability to give or receive love, controlling, lying and manipulative behaviors (Taz has no ability to do either), not being genuine or real in emotional engagement, and passive aggression. Taz lacks all of these traits. Really the only thing he has in common with a RAD kid is that he is defiant, moody, and violent, which is also part of bipolar. Taz has a very appropriate relationship with us, as his parents. He comes to us for comfort, he is wary of strangers, and he has the ability to show true love and affection with us. Sure, he's a little over-dependent, that could be a result of anxiety or bipolar or his early childhood. But it's nowhere near the same as full-blown RAD.

Maybe if the shoe was on the other foot, if these naysayers had a child with "issues", they would choose to allow that child to suffer while attempting every other resources except the one thing that could help, medication. But for me, I'm choosing life. And I don't mean that he would die without medication (although some do), I mean that his quality of life might be decreased. Maybe if I wasn't willing to take the risk and try medication Taz would go on to live a long life with no health complications. Maybe. But what's the point of life without happiness?

Looks of Sympathy? Well That's a Change!

2010-04-21T15:55:00.002-04:00

We are seriously having some trouble in public lately! I don't know what's going on but I'm scared to take Taz out now. Maybe I should take a break from it for a while and stay home. But I go stir-crazy probably more than the kids do.

Anyway, got two more stories for ya. Yes, two!

All of us went to Home Depot this weekend to pick out some paint for the new house we're renovating. Taz is obsessed with Dh. Obsessed. I think it's normal for his age. He's a daddy's boy and with Dh always working on the house so we can move Taz doesn't see him as much as usual. So naturally he relishes the time he can get with him.

Taz was pretty good through most of the trip until the very end. He kept wanting to push the cart. The problem is he is not a very good driver and kept crashing it into shelves. So I told him he couldn't do it anymore. But he is very defiant. He kept trying until I placed him in the cart, which he barely fits anymore. Dh had him in a couple aisles down from where I was looking at paint with Chica and I could hear him screaming. Very. Loudly.

I actually thought about yelling "Hey! Control your kid!" out loud in Dh's direction. But I thought he might kill me for that ;)

Instead I pushed him out to the car to wait until Dh was done. On our way out I got an "Oh My God!" mouthed in my direction. Which was odd to me because Taz was just screaming. He's done way worse than that.

My next story happened just yesterday. Stick with me cause the best part is at the end. I took the kids to our local mall to kill some time because it was cold outside. In our mall there is a kid's play land with slides, tunnels, and space to run around. Chica is at an age where she loves this place. Everything is her size and nice and soft so she can't really get hurt. Taz likes it too, but it's overstimulating for him to be there for too long. But I wanted to give Chica a chance to play. Remember, one of my motto's is "we do have another kid". I don't want to leave Chica out in left field.

Well Taz was off. Way off. This was Dh's fault. He was in charge of the kids Saturday morning cause I went to work early. He didn't give Taz his meds. He forgot. I think that's why Taz was so off.

He was all over the place. Extremely paranoid of the other children. He was screaming at them to stop looking at him. He was completely out of control. Again, I stayed calm. I pulled him aside a couple times to calm him down and talk him through the feelings. Finally, Taz jumped up on the my lap and pulled desperately at my neck, and it was clear he was out of sorts and just didn't know what to do with himself. He said I want to go. What he really meant was I NEED to go!

So we left. But even putting our shoes on was a difficult task. Taz couldn't slow down enough to sit still so I could put them on him. Taz can not put his shoes on himself. He can't get himself dressed either. He doesn't have much independence at all, even for a four year old.

As I looked around at the parents in the play area, I thought for sure I would be met with some nasty looks and head shaking. But there wasn't any. All I saw was sympathy. When I looked around I realized they felt bad for me!

Good, in a way. But have we really gotten that bad? So bad that it's painfully obvious that there is something going on with my son? Something that isn't over-indulgent lazy parenting!

I don't actually know what anyone there was thinking. Maybe they felt bad for him that I was such an awful parent! Either way. It shocked me. And I'm not sure if it's in a good way or a bad way.

It's times like these I'm glad I'm not a celebrity (although one could argue the basis of
why Octo-mom is a celebrity in the first place?)

Alphabet Soup

2010-04-19T23:30:00.003-04:00

There is a term in the special needs world (or is it just for mental illness?) called "co-morbidity". It basically means conditions that occur together. As in; bipolar with comorbid ADHD. But the word, to me, means - the other thing he's going to die from. I mean, co-morbid? Does anyone else think it's weird?

Anyway, back to the topic. Bipolar can occur with other complications, is my point. Things like attention disorders, anxiety disorders, conduct disorder, learning disabilities, and even autism. Parents sometimes refer to this as the "alphabet soup" effect. This can happen before you even know it. You start going to professionals to get help with bipolar disorder and suddenly your child is diagnosed with BP, OCD, ODD, ADHD, SID, NLD, and ASD. See where the alphabet soup term comes from?

My personal feeling about it is to leave kids with as few labels as possible. Many many of these conditions have overlapping symptoms. There is no doubt in my mind that Taz has very clear signs of bipolar disorder. That is his primary diagnosis, even though he would fall into the category of some others. The only other condition I acknowledge separately (for Taz specifically. I absolutely acknowledge autism as a whole other diagnosis) is SID, or Sensory Integration Disorder. Also known as Sensory Processing Disorder, a term I like better. Taz, literally, has trouble processing sensory stimulus. Although it often occurs with Bipolar and many other things, for us, it's an entirely different diagnosis from the bipolar.

I wanted to give SID it's own post because it effects our everyday life, just like bipolar does. The ways this presents for Taz are:

- Sensory craving; this is a boy who swims in sand. You think I'm joking but he literally does the breast stroke on his belly in the sand. He rolls in it, dumps it on his head, and covers himself in it. Anything can be a sensory experience for Taz. He loves squeezy balls, gak, gummy worms, spiky balls, rice and beans in a bucket, and all that good tactile stuff.

- Ironically, after swimming in the sand, the next day he might scream about a small wet spot on his shirt and want to change it immediately.

- Gross-motor sensory seeking; Taz loves crashing, jumping, rolling, clapping, and stomping. This is called proprioceptive input. Every morning when he wakes up, the first thing Taz does is stomp around the house clapping his hands and making strange noises. My theory is that he's giving himself the sensory input he needs because he's wound up and it helps him get the pent up energy out. It also organizes his system so he can get ready for the day.

- Ironically, Taz is also very cautious. It's pretty weird, to me, that he has no problem crashing head first on the couch pillows but then won't climb up a ladder on a playscape. He is very insecure when he's off the ground. He is extremely afraid of heights. This is called vestibular or gravitational sensitivity. It takes a long time to coax him to try new activities involving being off the ground. He goes to private OT once a week and we are working on this, but I don't think rock climbing or rappelling will ever be in his future.

- Noise sensitivity; Taz hates loud noises. He is so scared of alarms he won't even walk by our home alarm system on the wall. Sudden noises scare him and he has a tough time recovering. Ironically (there are lots of contradictions with Taz), he is the loudest person I know. Therapists think he drowns out noises he doesn't like with his own voice. That's why when Chica cries or when I vacuum, Taz will yell as loud as he can (giving everyone else a headache).

- Pushing; this is one of Taz's favorite things to do. Push things around. It's one of the main ways he gets the sensory input he needs. I find if he's really wound up, I take him outside and have him push Chica in the stroller, or his car (the kind he used to sit to ride when he was littler) up and down our bumpy road. It works. While we're renovating our new house and basically living in two houses I've taken some of Taz's toys to the new house so he would play while we work. One day we were outside our old house and despite there being a multitude of toys in the yard, including slides, climbing equipment, dump trucks, balls, etc...Taz paced around saying what me push? over and over until we went inside because it got so annoying.

- Rocking; Oh the rocking! Let's see. How can I make this clear? Taz is always rocking. This happens in several ways. Every night, since he was a baby, Taz has rocked himself to sleep. (Remember, I didn't have him until he was 14 months old, he's adopted from foster care. He started rocking long before he came to us). He lies on his back, he holds his stuffed cow on his face, and he rocks violently side to side for at least 15 minutes, usually longer, until he falls asleep. That's one way. Another way he rocks is with his head. We call this the "Stevie Wonder". He literally does exactly what Stevie Wonder does when he sings. Taz rocks his head side to side, usually when he's happy. I've seen him do it at school during circle time, in the car, in front of a fan, listening to music, pretty much whenever he is not crashing or pushing. The last way I've seen him rock is when he's agitated and anxious. This is usually when he's also depressed. He will stand near me and sway his body back and forth while whining or just being overall anxious. He will also lie down on the couch and do the rocking motion like he does when he goes to sleep anytime he's coming down from a rage or being upset. I think it calms him down. Sometimes we even tell him to go rock on the couch so that he'll calm down.

- Ironically (yes, again), he hates swings!

Taz playing in a whirlpool at our childrens science museum.

Our psychologist initially thought Taz was on the autism spectrum because of all this sensory stuff. And he does have some autistic traits. But not enough to qualify for the diagnosis.

So...does anyone else's kid(s) have sensory needs?

It's a Case of the Love Bipolar

2010-04-16T19:16:00.005-04:00

This is what I hear on a daily basis...

Mommy, I hate you!

5 minutes later

I love you Mommy.

Me: But you just said you hated me a minute ago.

No! I love you!

----------------------------------

I miss Daddy. I love him. I don't like you Mommy. I like Daddy.

5 minutes later

I love you Mommy. I miss you.

---------------------------------

I HATE "Chica"!!!

5 minutes later when Chica is crying

Don't worry Chica, I kick Mommy for you. I shoot you Mommy!

5 minutes later

I want Chica die. I hate her.

5 minutes later he's holding her hand.

It must feel weird to slingshot back and forth so quickly.

A New Appreciation for Happiness

2010-04-14T11:23:00.005-04:00

I have another blog. One that I keep separate from this one because it contains real names and pictures of my kids. I don't want the general public knowing these intimate details about my son but I needed an outlet to discuss bipolar disorder.

I've been blogging for 2 years now. A little over a year ago I wrote this post below.

It always makes me laugh when I hear people's response to a common question, "What do you wish for your children?"

The number one, most common response is, Happiness.

Well that's just crap. Happiness is an emotion. Emotions aren't permanent. If they are, you probably need help. Permanent sadness is depression. Permanent anxiety is a disorder. Permanent perkiness is just annoying. Of all the qualities, characteristics, values, and strengths you would wish for your child, why would someone pick happiness?

For me, I would wish for my children to be honest, have self-confidence, be compassionate, independent, have strong values, stand up for themselves, and know they are loveable and know how to love others. I know that's a tall order. But hopefully, we'll do something right as parents and our children will turn out less messed up than we are.

But happiness? I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I don't wish eternal happiness on my children. What can one learn from that? Sadness, grief, despair is a natural part of life. I don't want my kids to be sheltered from the real world. Yes, life is hard. People let you down. Bad things happen. But to not experience that part of life, is to not experience life to the fullest. With the bad, you also have the good. And if anything, I want my children to live. Really live. And that means going through an array of emotions and experiences, even bad ones.

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Things have changed since then. Obviously. I was blissfully ignorant when I wrote this. I still thought my son's issues were because he was a "spirited child". And this is not the first time I've eaten my words.

Happiness sounds pretty good to me right now.

When I think of Taz's future, all I can hope for is some amount of happiness. Whether he goes to college and enters the career of his dreams or whether he flips burgers at a diner, if he can find some kind of joy in life, I will be satisfied. Even if he just has a hobby that he enjoys, that will be enough for me. Out of jail, off of drugs. That's what Dh and I hope for. You might think our standards are low. I think they are very high.

The Most Embarrassing Public Meltdown Ever

2010-04-12T19:52:00.003-04:00

Monday is therapy day. Taz goes from play therapy with the psychologist, to OT for an hour, to Speech therapy for 1/2 hour. All in a row. I plan on changing the play therapy to another day after this month but Taz does well having Speech right after OT. Anyway, it's a long afternoon for all of us. And I was probably pushing it when I insisted we stop at the book store on our way home so I could grab a couple books I've really been wanting. I should have known better, especially with Taz being so unstable lately. But I did it anyway.

He did well playing with the train table for about 15 minutes while I grabbed the books I needed. Then we went to the check out and he very suddenly started screaming on the top of his lungs that he was hungry. He already ate all the snacks that I brought and it was almost dinner time so I said (in the most loving way possible) Oh you're hungry? Well we can eat something right when we get home!

But of course, that wasn't good enough. I don't usually mind public outbursts, especially in over-stimulating places like the grocery store and Target. There's always a little tot screaming here or there. But in a book store....well....let's just say he made a big scene. Everyone was watching us as we screamed our way from the children's section in the back of the store to the check-out in the front of the store.

As we waited in line and began to check out he continued screaming, running away and hiding (a new behavior but not going far), then yelling nasty names at Chica and screaming at her to stop watching him. But who could take their eyes off of him at that point? I stayed calm. I mostly either ignored him or made calming statements. Ironically the check-out girl had to call the manager about the pricing on one of my books which dragged the whole thing out longer.

Pretty quickly Taz escalated to trying to scratch Chica, who was just sitting quietly in her stroller. So I very calmly told him I would hold his hand so he wouldn't hurt anyone. He screamed louder but oddly did not try to scratch or hit me. I was almost finished paying when Taz suddenly screamed...

I peeeeeee!!!!!

And sure enough, I looked down, and there was a giant puddle on the floor under him. Now there was already a line formed behind me and there was only one check-out lane open. So everyone behind me had to wait while the worker got a roll of paper towels, and they all watched me clean up the pee puddle as my son screamed on the top of his lungs "I peed!!!" and continued crying and jumping around like a lunatic.

I could just feel the eyes poring into the back of my skull.

But. I did not lose my cool. I did not blush or look around sheepishly or apologize to anyone. Yes, I was embarrassed. Humiliated actually. But what good does it do to show it? It just makes me look like a floundering idiot.

Instead I stayed cool and confident. I was hoping it would make it seem like I meant for that to happen. You know....like when you trip over something but look cool doing it and it seems like you did it on purpose? Same idea.

I don't think it worked.

Anyway, if it was just about the screaming it would be no big deal. But add on top of that the name calling, the aggression, then peeing on the floor, and that puts this epic experience #1 on my list of most embarrassing public meltdowns ever.

Mania

2010-04-10T12:00:00.001-04:00

How do you describe mania exactly? Have you ever tried to explain it to someone who doesn't have a frame of reference? It's incredibly difficult.

For us, it goes way beyond being hyper. Yes, Taz is more hyper than most kids on a daily basis. Yes, he gets wound up easily, he gets rough, and he gets really silly and giddy. When he's like this he can pass for any ADHD child.

But true mania is different.

(Sidenote: In the bipolar world there is mania and there is hypomania. I'm not exactly sure the difference, just that one is more severe than the other. What I'm describing today is a more severe manic episode that Taz experiences every once in a while. There are times where he has the less severe form of mania; i.e. giddiness, racing thoughts, tunnel vision, grandiosity, hypersexuality, etc.)

I finally nailed down how different mania is than hyperactivity while I was talking to my mom about it today. When Taz is hyper I can at least slow him down with the right interventions and get some response from him. There can be an interaction. There is some amount of acknowledgment and reasoning behind his eyes, even if he continues to be impulsive and hyper.

When he's manic, there is nothing. There is no response. There is no reaction or interaction. There is nothing behind his eyes. He has a big eerie grin on his face but no acknowledgment about what he's doing. I could probably tell him, in all seriousness, that I'm going to drive the car into the lake and he would just smile at me. Maybe even laugh.

It's scary. The only word I can think of to describe it is psychotic.

But it's hard for other people to believe without seeing it. They try to explain it away. He's manipulating you. He's looking for attention. He's trying to make you mad. He's trying to be funny.

No. He's not "trying" to do anything. There is no thought behind it. There's nothing.

I guess you just have to see it to believe it.

(Sidenote: Taz was like this before medication but it had mainly stopped since starting medication. It does not appear to be caused by the medication he is on, although you never know. He did have a severe episode yesterday and today and the psychiatrist is aware of what is going on and ordering blood tests to check med levels next week.)

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In other news. I think we may be getting intensive in-home services sometime in the next couple months. We've tried this before through our local social services office (a foster/adoption response team is a free service for licensed families) but it didn't turn out well. The worker was undereducated and inexperienced in regards to serious mental illness. She looked at us blankly and said I don't know what to do at week 5. She was lost after her "Happiest Toddler on the Block" technique didn't work. Seriously. That's what she came armed with. We were supposed to grunt in caveman toddler language what we thought he wanted and he was supposed to calm down once he realized we understood his needs. I think I laughed out loud when she explained it.

Anyway, I'm hoping for a better experience (but I won't hold my breath). This is a program derived from the Yale Child Study Center specifically for families living with severe psychological problems, who've tried other resources, and who are at-risk for hospitalization. While I'm not planning to bring Taz to a hospital anytime soon, I have to admit that if he was much bigger and this violent, I would have no choice.

So...how do you describe mania? How do your kids display it?

Out for Blood

2010-04-09T10:50:00.000-04:00

Taz has been relatively stable on his current med combo. Then the past couple days something inside him flipped.

He is WAY manic. But the main problem is how violent he's suddenly become.

Okay, he's always been aggressive. But normally (at least since starting meds) it has been half-hearted; meaning not much force beyond his swats and pushes. But yesterday...man! He was going for blood!

He was full force attacking Chica and me. It felt terrible for Chica. Every time he went near her she flinched. And when he hurt her she looked at me like why can't you stop him?

I tried. I tried and tried. But with two mobile children and one small house there is only so much one person can do. Aside from tethering one of them to me all day there are going to be opportunities for Taz to go after Chica. Pretty much every time he walked by her, any time she made a noise or even looked at him, he wanted to hurt her.

I think people don't really understand how hard it is to keep two kids apart. Especially when one of those kids (being a 1 yr old) doesn't understand to stay away from Taz. And Taz, who has bipolar, and doesn't want to stay away from Chica.

I tried using consequences to deter the behavior but when a bipolar child is unstable consequences don't do squat. I'm sure you know what I mean. Half of me feels sympathy for him because he probably feels really bad inside. And part of me is really angry at him for attempting to hurt a vulnerable innocent baby. I mean, that's my child he keeps attacking!

So. I'm not sure what to do as of now. I called pdoc and left a message. I emailed our psychologist to see if she had any ideas. I've heard that a lot of bipolar kids have seasonal effects, including becoming more manic in the spring. Maybe that's it?

Either way, I'm happy to have a break tomorrow. I'm working most of the day (I do per diem work some evenings and weekends) and Dh will be left to deal with it. Good luck honey!

Normalcy!

2010-04-08T10:55:00.001-04:00

I live on the East Coast and Hallelujah it's 85 degrees here!

A big part of keeping me sane, and keeping my family healthy, is playing outside. This past week or so we've been outside in the sunshine for hours upon hours. I love it. More importantly, my kids need it.

We live 1/2 mile from a lake and although I prefer the real beach (coastal people know what I mean), we spend a lot of time here too. Today was our first trip of the season.

In my last post I talked about normalcy and how I'd like to have just a few hours of it once in a while. Well, God must have been paying attention because today, I did!

There were several of Taz's friends there from preschool. They played in the water (which was freezing cold although they didn't seem to care), they chased each other, they splashed and laughed. It was so....well....normal. And Taz fit right in. He even chased the girls around with seaweed on a stick!

I didn't have to watch him like a hawk like I usually do. I could chat with the other moms and spend time with Chica (who, it turns out, does not like sand). It was wonderful.

We did have to leave a little early because I could sense a meltdown coming over a sand shovel. But that could be normal for any over-tired four year old.

Oh, by the way, the photo above...is not anything like what our beach looks like. It's more like the beach I picture in my dreams.

Tough Decisions I Shouldn't Have to Make

2010-04-07T13:57:00.002-04:00

On a weekly basis my thoughts fluctuate between having hope for Taz's future and feeling the opposite, hopeless. Well, today I'm feeling utterly hopeless.

Taz has been on risperdal (3x day), seroquel (12mg at night for sleep, the only thing that keeps the night terrors away), and depakote (2x day). For those who don't know, risperdal and seroquel are anti-psychotics and depakote is a mood stabilizer. It's pretty typical that someone with bipolar is on anywhere between 2-5 different types of medication, usually a combination of mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics. BUT, every medication works differently for every person. Which is what makes medicating children VERY tricky. Like I've said before, it's a guessing game.

For us, the difficulty is exacerbated by Taz's age. Our pdoc (or psychiatrist) is very experienced in working with young children and strikes a good balance between being aggressive to treat the illness but conservative in dealing with medication and Taz's age.

We had an appointment on Monday morning to check in about the med combo he's on now.

Since Taz has started the depakote, more than a month ago, he has been eating NON-STOP. And I don't mean snacking here and there on high carb foods. I mean shoving food into his mouth like he's been starved his whole life, then asking for more before he's done chewing. He's been eating two, sometimes even three, of each meal. So, 3 breakfasts, 3 lunches, and 3 dinners. Plus snacks in between. And the problem is getting progressively worse.

Even though Taz is very active and skinny, and as of right now he's not gaining tons of weight, I'm still concerned about this side effect.

Pdoc didn't think it was any big deal unless he is gaining huge amounts of weight. But why would I want to wait that long? Maybe it's just not a big deal in the grand scheme of things? Maybe he's seen worse side-effects and I'm just being a wuss? I don't know. I'm new at this.

Anyway, I've been depressed, discouraged, and feeling hopeless all day because we are down to three options and one very big realization.

The options:

1) Keep everything the same and deal with the eating problem in other ways

2) Taper down the risperdal to see if it helps

3) Take him off the depakote and don't replace it

And the big realization is...(dum dum dum)....this is as good as it's gonna get, at least for a couple years (when he's old enough to try another mood stabilizer).

Yikes.

I think I'm still naive about all of this. I mean, I've never raised a mentally ill child before. How am I supposed to know what to expect? I put all my hope in that medication would make him "normal". Now don't give me any BS about there being no such thing as normal. You know what I mean!

Even when Taz is stable, or having a good day, there is still "stuff" there. Anxiety, fear, short attention span, social delays, the list goes on. I would love, not for my sake but for his, if we could get just a few hours a day of normalcy.

So I put all my hope in medication. And it's working, to the minimal effect. But when we are late with the risperdal, Taz falls apart. If we skip a depakote dose, Taz falls apart. So, what choice do we have? We have to keep him on all three. It's what's holding him together (although he's still very fragile) enough to get through the day.

I guess I can figure the medication is the glue that's holding all the bipolar pieces of him together. He still might wobble here and there. He's fragile enough that even a little bit of shaking will knock him over. But when the ground is secure, it's the glue that helps him stand strong.

And I think it sucks that we have to choose between side effects of the drugs and side effects of not being drugged. That's the tough decision no one should have to make.

So we chose side effects of drugs. We made a small basket of low calorie snacks (rice cakes, raisins, etc) that Taz can have access to anytime. But those are the only things he's allowed to eat between meals. I'm hoping it's worth it.

What did you choose for your kids?

Crap! I Must Have Jinxed It

2010-04-02T10:11:00.006-04:00

Yeah...so you know when I was talking yesterday about how we've been doing good....yeah, about that....

It seems as if I jinxed it. I hate when that happens!

Today (and it's only 10:15am mind you) has been a complete disaster. Everything should be good. Taz slept fine, ate enough, lots of exercise. I even tried to make a semi-structured schedule for him. Albeit very lame with my own pencil drawings of activities. I plan on printing nicer pictures this weekend to use as a schedule. Especially since I'm homeschooling after this month (more on that later).

But, none of that made any difference. Taz was manic at first. I thought that would stop once he had his morning medicine. It did stop, but turned into extreme irritability. I don't know which I prefer. Both are really annoying to deal with.

So, this could mean it's a bad day, all day. Or he could perk up after his afternoon risperdal. It could go either way.

It's nice out so I planned lots of outdoor activities, plus some down time. With most bipolar kids it helps to keep busy. He whined all morning to color easter eggs. So we did. Then he whined all during easter eggs to have a snack. I told him after we finished he could eat an egg. Then we went outside, where we usually have a great time.

Well, his powerwheels wouldn't work the way he wanted. Meltdown. We wanted to go on a wagon ride with Chica so we started to, but every time she moved from her seat, he would hit her. So I took him out. Meltdown. We came inside for a snack (yes, another. His depakote makes him eat like crazy). Taz had a meltdown over where to eat his cracker. Ridiculous!

It's just one of those days where nothing goes right for him. It's sad, really.

But I'm hoping he feels better this afternoon.

Like I said. We go day by day.

Anyway....if I don't post tomorrow. Happy Easter everyone!

A Good Day

2010-04-01T20:35:00.003-04:00

I've got lots more background stories and bipolar information to put out there, but today I wanted to talk a little about how we're doing now. Because it's pretty good news.

Taz is doing well, at this moment. As in today. Well, sometimes we go day by day here. Actually, he was doing good for the last couple weeks, then this weekend fell apart. I was worried his med doses weren't high enough. Or suddenly stopped working (because that happens a lot).

But then he had a good week. And an especially good day.

I can tell when he's stable because he's much more directable. He apologizes if he hurts someone, does something wrong, or gets too rough. He is able to handle a consequence without raging or laughing, one of the two reactions that mean he's unstable.

He's even more verbal when he's stable.

I'm also playing around with a schedule that works for him. Taz has sensory needs as well. So I'm trying to juggle giving him what he needs, parenting Chica (who is a whole different kid), and taking care of myself. I haven't quite figured out how to balance it yet.

But today we did good. It helps that the weather is better. Spending a long time outside is good for everyone.

I think the lack of structure on the weekends is really screwing us up. I don't really think of Taz as a super structured kid, but maybe we need just a little more.

There's always something to work on. Always something to improve.

So we keep trudging along, trying to find our way to balance and harmony. I have high hopes for the spring and summer. I hope I'm not disappointed.

My Even Worser Worst Fear

2010-03-31T08:27:00.002-04:00

That in order to keep everyone safe, I will have to choose between my two children.

The Blog Post Heard Round the World (Re: Autism)

2010-03-28T22:55:00.001-04:00

We are not an autism family. But we do have one thing in common. We can really create a scene when out in public.

One blog that I read, Raising Complicated Kids, mentioned a story that is becoming very popular in the blogosphere. All because of one very snippy post from a Christian homeschooling mom showing very obvious intolerance towards a small child with autistic symptoms (although no one really knows if the child is autistic or not). I was intrigued, especially knowing what it's like to stand out in a crowd, and read as much as I could about this story. Many many autism blogs (mostly parents of kids with autism) are speaking up about this. As they should!

Anyway, I'm not gonna get into who's right and who's wrong or who should've said what. I think it speaks for itself. And if you're like me, you should be used to the general public not giving a crap about being educated, learning tolerance, or if they've offended you and why. So, this is just not surprising to me.

But it did remind me of a very common problem all of us parents of "different" kids face. Judgmental on-lookers. And boy have I run into those!

Before we knew Taz had a diagnosable reason for all the issues we were having with him, I was part of a Bible study group at my church. Those days have long been over. Not because I have a problem with the Bible, or church, or God. I just don't have the time. Anyway, Dh and I were extremely discouraged and frustrated that the multitude of parenting strategies we had been trying were not working in the least. Things were getting worse and worse and we felt like giant failures. We sucked at this kid thing! I'm sure we've all been there.

So, we had a babysitter for the evening and went to Bible study hoping for some support and relaxation. We brought up our concerns and it turned into a parenting debate. All the adults in the room, some parents, some not, believed that spanking was the only way to discipline, and that clearly was the source of our problems.

We just weren't laying down the law!

We weren't showing him who's boss!

We were letting him walk all over us!

Ha! If only they knew us now (they don't. We ended up leaving that church shortly after). At the time I thought they might be right. Not about the spanking part, about the rest of it. We were doing something wrong!

One of the women present at this group had worked with me at a daycare for about a year previously. We shared a classroom briefly and during that time had worked with one little girl (she was almost 3) who was very, very difficult. I will admit, before becoming a parent I too passed judgment (silently) from time-to-time when witnessing toddler tantrums and such. But, having worked in the special education field, I had experience with non-typical children as well. So I tended to be more gracious and understanding than your typical non-parent bystander.

This little girl we both had the "pleasure" of knowing was extremely moody, to say the least. Looking back, she reminds me a lot of Taz. I would speculate she probably had some form of mood disorder brewing in that little toddler brain of hers. But she aggravated the hell out of the friend I worked with. My friend blamed it solely (solely!) on the parents. I mentioned several times that the child seemed to have a real problem. But no. No, no, no, no. The parents were trying to be her friend. They weren't authoritative enough. It was entirely their fault despite the fact that this child had extreme difficulty during transitions, especially waking up from nap, was sensitive to touch, would have unprovoked crying spells that lasted a long time then be chipper and happy the next moment, and had these issues no matter the teacher or classroom.

This friend, very commonly, did not believe that children could have a disability that couldn't be "fixed" by a bit a firm but loving parenting. She believed that children truly were a product of their parents. How scary for her future children, right? Under my breath I said a prayer that she never have the privilege of raising a less than perfect child. I would really fear for them.

Imagine trying to "beat" bipolar out of a child. Truly terrifying.

This is the type of mentality running rampant through our society. If she knew today that Taz was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I shudder to think what she would say. Probably the same BS I hear other people say. It's over-diagnosed, it's made-up by pharmaceutical companies, parents are lazy, doctors just want to make money, blah blah blah.

And actually, it's much easier to cut these people out of our lives than waste the time and energy trying to change them. I've been there before. Trying, desperately, to find the words to make them understand. And feeling so helpless and frustrated when they don't.

Hence why it's easier sometimes to just say Taz has autism. (Ironically, he can look very much autistic at times. He rocks, he makes strange noises, and he lacks some social awareness).

He can also look very much like a brat.

My favorite story of public humiliation was an afternoon with Taz at a drugstore, just him and I, to pick up toothpaste and tylenol. It was crowded that day. And this was before we started medication. Taz was completely manic. Anytime we're out in public he never holds my hand. It would be useless to insist on it. We would just end up leaving because he would get aggressive. He does, however, generally stay near me. Sure, he may be frog hopping on the floor or crawling under the clothing racks, but he stays within eyesight. Mostly because of his own fear of losing me, which is very helpful, although sad that he feels that way.

So. Like I said, he was very manic, before we knew what manic was or that we should never take him out like that. I was looking at the shelf and Taz was running up and down the aisle. I got what I needed and turned around to look for Taz and he was gone. I called him and walked up the aisle towards the pharmacy. In the corner of the pharmacy, near the blood pressure machine, is a telephone. Taz was on it. I don't know why, maybe he had an urgent call to make. But I grabbed him and headed to the front of the store. I held his hand this time because he was grabbing things off the shelves and just being generally obnoxious. And he started scratching and biting me, hence why I don't hold his hand very often. Even now we teach him constantly and urgently about traffic safety because of this reason.

We got to the front of the store and Taz was in fight or flight mode. He wasn't screaming or crying, that's how I know he was manic. He was laughing. There was a line at the check-out so I put my items down on the side of the counter, where the trashy magazines are, so I could hold both of Taz's arms and he couldn't scratch me. He started screaming "let go! Let go!" So I made him promise not to try to hurt me and I let him go.

At this point it was very crowded with people going in and out of the store near where we were standing. Taz started doing his frog-hopping all around the front of the store but staying close-by. Then he started spitting. But it wasn't the hack-a-lougie type of spit that you can really lunge at someone. It was more like baby raspberry spitting. It doesn't really go anywhere except drool down his chin. Not a big deal. To me.

Sidenote: The term "picking your battles" never quite meant the same before Taz as it does after.

Well, Taz started spitting at everyone who walked into the store. Again, it wasn't actually hitting them. Most people didn't even notice. But one lady did. Now you might imagine my mood at this point during the trip. I was frustrated, exhausted, and embarrassed. I'm pretty sure it had been "one of those days" because I remember my feelings so distinctly after all this time. I was at the register paying for my things while simultaneously trying to keep one eye on Taz. As I was getting ready to leave I saw out of my peripheral vision a woman staring, mouth wide open, at Taz. Very obviously shocked and abhorred at his behavior. I suppose, not knowing me or Taz, I would have been to. I don't know if I would have stared with my mouth hanging open, but I might have raised my eyebrows and moved on.

Well. I looked at her- no, I glared at her with probably the most fearsome look on my face I have ever had and I thought in my head, "say something. I dare you!" And I stood there and waited. I was ready. I wanted her to say something. I was like a bomb ready to go off at the slightest threat. I'm pretty sure had she said something, they would've had to call security on me. So it was probably good that she kept her mouth shut (figuratively speaking. It was still open when we left the store).

So I picked up Taz, feeling suddenly very protective of him, and left. I don't know what she was thinking but I'm pretty sure I could guess. It was probably very similar to what that snarky mom wrote about the possibly autistic child on her blog. This woman probably told the story of the rotten boy spitting at people at the drugstore while his mom did nothing to stop him, to various friends and family that day. And then stated that she could have straightened that boy out in a day or two.

Speaking of, I would love to see someone actually do what they say they could for my son. I know for a fact that my son could tear the best self-proclaimed child straighten-out-ener apart. And I would laugh the whole time.

So...what about you? What are your stories?

It's Not All Bad

2010-03-23T08:36:00.010-04:00

Sometimes it's hard to think of the positive when we're in the middle of a tornado full of chaos. Believe me, I know.

But, I think we can all agree there are small moments during the day where we see some sun peeking through the storm clouds. A happy cuddle. A kind gesture towards a sibling. Saying please and thank you without being told. Apologizing when he's done something wrong.

And these moments feel so much bigger and better than they would a typical child. These are moments we hang on to when things are hard. Moments we treasure and try to remember when it's been a particularly bad day. At least I do.

When I feel discouraged, depressed, frustrated, hopeless and helpless, I try to remember the fun and tender moments we do have (and there are a lot of them) on a daily basis.

Some of the best parts of Taz are:

- he has a great sense of humor and makes everyone around him laugh.

- he's charming.

- he is affectionate.

- he is complimentary. (He always tells me I look beautiful if I put make-up on or wear a skirt)

- he's cute.

- he is creative.

- he is lovable.

Everybody says that raising kids is hard but worth it. Sometimes I wonder if that's true. Will it be worth it in the end? Is it true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

What do you think?

It's Not Fair! - Kids Should be Kids

2010-03-23T08:36:00.007-04:00

I am a firm believer that children should be children. They should be allowed to take their time growing up and enjoy the younger years of carefree, joyful living. Playing in the mud, making up silly songs, climbing trees, exploring nature, catching bugs in jars, popsicle stains on t-shirts and faces, hunting for hermit crabs at the beach, and waking up every morning to a new day full of exciting adventures. That is what I remember from my childhood. If the sun was shining, I was outside morning till night. If it was raining, we watched movies, made forts in our bedroom, and played board games. That's not to say we didn't have worries and fears, sadness and anger. But they were small and insignificant compared to life in the grown up world. We were kids. Kids should be sheltered from grown up problems.

With mentally ill children, it's a whole other world. A childhood of doctors appointments, being poked with needles, taking medication that sometimes makes your belly hurt, assorted therapies, having unpleasant and sometimes scary emotions that you don't understand, getting in trouble much more than other kids, feeling bad about yourself, feeling out of control, night terrors, being frustrated almost constantly, and knowing there is something different about you but not understanding why.

And that's my question.

Why?

It's not fair!

Childhood should contain memories of care-free inhibition, adventures, and treasured friendships. When Taz looks back on his childhood, I don't want him to think of blood draws, psychiatrist offices, and rages. That's why I feel compelled to over-compensate by creating as many fun memories as I can. Going to museums, swimming, vacations, Disney World, car shows, going to the movies, gymnastics class, etc. I plan on spending all summer at the beach, teaching him how to swim, building sand castles, and hunting for crabs. Now that he's older, and I don't have an infant anymore, we can take long nature walks and collect bugs and leaves to identify. We can spend hours at the park climbing the jungle gym and making friends.

But most of these ideas that occur in my head work out so much more pleasantly than the real life event. In my head, a beach trip is filled with laughter and learning. Nature walks are peaceful and educational. Playing at the park is adventurous and fun.

But in real life, at the beach, I will try to build a sand castle, Taz will freak out about sand being in his shoes. I will jump in the waves, Taz will cling to me in fear. I will hunt for hermit crabs, Taz will complain the water is too cold. Getting two kids changed into dry clothes for the ride home will make me irritable and tired, especially as Taz fights me because he's hot and tired and irritated too. I'll lose my patience and yell. Chica will get scared and start to cry. We will all be frustrated and hot by the time we get to the car. And I will silently swear never to do this again.

We may go for a nature walk and I'll put Chica in the stroller. Taz is highly energetic so I will assume he can walk the whole way. Half way through he will want to go in the stroller, leaving Chica, just learning to walk, to slow down our pace. The nature walk will last much longer than intended and Taz will complain that he's hungry and thirsty. After he drinks the only juice box I brought for him, he will scream and cry that he's so thirsty and wants something to drink right NOW. I will pick up Chica and carry her while pushing the stroller where Taz is crying, all the way back home. I will silently swear never to do this again.

We may go to the park down the street and I will be ready and eager to make new friendships. I encourage the kids to run and play and be free. But Taz doesn't like the way one boy looked at him and so he's out to get him. Every time he gets a chance he will spit at this boy and call him "stupid". He gets so obsessed with this one child he has decided, for whatever reason I can not discern, that he is his worst enemy. I tell him several times to leave the boy alone but he does not stop. He can not stop. It's a compulsion driving him, like an engine, to hate this child. He will tell me over and over "I hate that boy". I will start getting looks from the other boy's mother. I try to get Taz interested in something else. He may play for a few minutes but is always back to the boy. Then he tries to kick him. And so we leave, while all the moms and dads give us dirty looks. I will silently swear never to do this again.

After this, I will learn that going far from home is never worth it.

It's not fair. Not for Taz. Not for me. Not for Chica.

But it's not all bad.

I may swear never to go out with the kids again, but I go anyway. Because I'm bound and determined to create those childhood memories for Taz and Chica. Even if it ends in disaster. Even if it turns into a nightmare. I will keep trying.

But it's not fair that it has to be so hard.

Next post will be about the good parts of being Taz's mom. It is hard, we all know, but sometimes you have to appreciate the good instead of dwelling on the bad.

What about you? Do you have "delusions of grandeur" and fantasies in your head about what raising children should be like? Are there times you just want to have a normal family outing and it turns into a nightmare? Have you learned to make the most of the fun times you do have?

Won't You Be My Friend?

2010-03-22T11:10:00.003-04:00

We used to have lots of friends. Couple friends, singleton friends, friends that like to play with rocks. Some part of the blame for our lack of friends falls on us. We've isolated ourselves a little bit. The kind of stress we've been dealing with doesn't lend itself to social occasions very well. I think when you have a child with special needs, no matter what kind they are, it's very natural to want to isolate. You may think no one will accept you or be able to understand. Or you may not want to deal with judgment and questions. Whatever the reason, it's sad and makes life harder. I miss social experiences. I miss have other significant relationships in my life.

One of my reasons for lack of friends is because there just simply aren't a lot of people out there that can handle my son's intensity. Which is the truth. He scares other children. One of my friends, who has stuck around, came to Chica's birthday party last weekend with her 9 month son and Taz tried to kick him multiple times. You have to be a pretty understanding person to put up with that. (I'll explain why my son has problems with other children in another post)

Another thing a friend would have to put up with is being flexible with Taz's needs. Everything, or almost everything, revolves around Taz. If we go out to a park, and Taz is hungry and ready to go, we must leave. If we're inside, and Taz has lots of energy and wants to go outside, out we go. This makes it difficult to maintain friendships. Who wants to have to obey a pint-sized dictator? Not me, and I'm his mother!

Also a part in all of this is what I call the embarrassment factor. It's natural to judge a person's parenting ability based on how their kids behave. When they don't behave well, you would question the parenting, right? Plus, my son doesn't respond to typical consequences (also to be explained in another post) so it would seem to many that I am enabling his behavior or "letting him get away with it". Which I hear all the time. Now, make no mistake, when Taz is having a tantrum or rage, he in no way gets whatever "thing" he is raging about. BUT, we have to handle discipline very carefully. This is very hard to explain to other parents who've only ever seen kids that act like mine on shows like Supernanny. How do you explain a 200 page book's worth of information on bipolar disorder to someone in 3 minutes?

So, if there's anyone out there who'd like to be my friend, even if my little Tazmanian devil tries to hit your kid, or screams in his face, or demands to go outside when it's raining, you are welcome to apply =)

My Worst Fears

2010-03-20T07:55:00.000-04:00

If my mom knew I was writing this she would say not to talk about this or even think about these things. But how can I not? If my worst fears came true would it be easier had I been prepared? I don't know. What do you think?

1. Suicide: One in five people with bipolar disorder will commit suicide. An even higher number for those who try but don't succeed. Bipolar disorder has a higher death rate than some forms of cancer.

2. Hospitalization: When it happens, if it happens, I will be heartbroken. I understand it's temporary. I understand it saves kids lives. I understand a child can get healthy faster. But it will still kill me a little bit inside to do it.

3. Schizophrenia: Taz's biological family is riddled with schizophrenia. It's not a death sentence but if you saw the recent episode of 20/20 with Jani and Becca, you know it's scary, and so so sad. Even Jani's dad would tell you it's a devastating disease. Is bipolar the lesser of two evils? Yup. At least in my mind.

4. Baby Chica: I have two fears for her. One, she will be traumatized from living with an older sibling with bipolar disorder. That she feels like she will always be secondary to his illness. And two, she will start to show signs of bipolar or schizophrenia. Because, see, Taz and Chica are half siblings, they have the same birth mother. Chica has a 50% chance of inheriting a mental illness. We are hoping she wins the genetic lottery and stays healthy. So far she is the most typical 1 year old I know. But, this is terrible to say, DH and I will always be watching and holding our breaths.

5. Substance Abuse: When Taz turns 18, I have no control over him or what he does. He can choose to take medication or not. He can choose to go to therapy or not. He can choose to go to the hospital or get help if he's feeling unsafe or not. He can choose to self-medicate with substances. I live in a city with a very high population of drug abusers and dealers. Many substance abusers have a mental illness, be it depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar, OCD, or schizophrenia. I see them all the time walking on the street talking to themselves. That's what I'm afraid either of my kids will become.

So I've been open and honest with you. What are your worst fears?

Medication Myths

2010-03-19T08:26:00.001-04:00

1. People are zombies on medication.

Taz is nothing like a zombie. He is active and engaging. He is charming and funny. He likes dancing and playing outside, worms and cars. People tend to forget that parents (except for the rarity) truly want the best for their children. Parents of special needs kids are no different. Of course we don't want our children walking around in a drugged stupor. If that happens, we will do all we can to change it. Sometimes meds have negative side effects. If that's the case, you adjust.

2. Parents are medicating their children because they don't want to deal with behavior.

First of all, I would hope a psychiatrist could see the difference between that kind of parent and a true mental illness. Granted, there are some quacks out there. But majority speaking, that's just stupid. Bipolar disorder goes beyond behavior problems. This ain't no Supernanny episode we're talking about here. Bipolar disorder is a disabling illness that a child simply can NOT control.

3. You can fix this by being better parents.

I'm only going to say this once. BAD PARENTING DOES NOT CAUSE MENTAL ILLNESS!!! Got it?

4. Parents are medicating their kids because they want to create perfect kids.

It's not about perfection. And it's not about being on the honor roll. It's not about being the best student or being able to sit still or submitting to authority or blind obedience. We want healthy kids. Not mini-robots. Healthy and functioning.

5. Parents want to medicate their kids because they don't want to take responsibility for their shortcomings.

Maybe some do. But I don't know any, and I know a lot of parents. You know, this is something I hear a lot on message boards and comments on other blogs. The general public seems to think that pharmaceutical companies are running the world. They are the puppeteers controlling the doctors and the doctors are just prescription-happy idiots. Maybe I'm naive. Or maybe I just don't have enough experience, but I have yet to talk to a doctor that gives medication out like candy. But that's what people think. I'm wondering if the general public just makes this stuff up because they are uncomfortable with the idea that children can have mental illness. Or that because they don't understand it, it must not be true. Or maybe deep down inside they are scared that if other kids can have a mental illness, their children can too. What do you think?

Any other medication myths you've heard?

Medication: the Guessing Game

2010-03-19T08:00:00.001-04:00

I know it would seem crazy to medicate a child so young, but once I learned about something called "the kindling effect", I really felt it was the right choice. Not only that, but our family was in crisis. Taz was miserable most of the time. I was stressed to the max. DH was having panic attacks in the middle of the night from all the stress, which is so absolutely not normal for him. I joke around that living with a child with bipolar causes everyone else in the house to have bipolar. It's like being on some kind of crazy ride you can't get off of. We were desperate to try medication. Of course we didn't really want our child to need medication. But it was clear he did. And the more we read about bipolar disorder, the more we knew that he needed it.

So. The kindling effect. I'm quoting from an online source because I can't really explain it any better.

"...initial periods of cycling may begin with an environmental stressor, but if the cycles continue or occur unchecked, the brain becomes kindled or sensitized - pathways inside the central nervous system are reinforced so to speak - and future episodes of depression, hypomania, or mania will occur by themselves (independently of an outside stimulus), with greater and greater frequency. Thus, to put it simply, brain cells that have been involved in an episode once are more likely to do so again, and more cells will become sensitized over time. This theory has been borne out by some research observations. For example, "there is evidence that the more mood episodes a person has, the harder it is to treat each subsequent episode..." thus taking the kindling analogy one step further: that a fire which has spread is harder to put out."

Scary, right? So, the longer someone goes without treatment, the harder that person may become in responding to future treatment. The most common medications used to treat bipolar disorder are anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers, which can be anti-seizure medications as well. Scientists aren't exactly sure why anti-seizure meds work, but there is a theory that bipolar episodes are a bit like having a seizure in the frontal cortex (the one effecting judgment) of the brain. Interesting. I wonder what will come of this theory.

Reading about the kindling effect was enough to scare me into seriously considering medication for Taz. Dr.S agreed. So the guessing game begins.

We started with a pretty common anti-psychotic called Risperdal. With medication you always start with a low dose then gradually increase it either until it works, or until it's reaching beyond a safe level for that person. If it still doesn't work, then it's not the right medication. The reason I call medication trials a guessing game is because every person responds differently to every medication. And no one really knows why or how. So the psychiatrist literally has to guess about which one to try and when. Of course, there are basic guidelines to go off of, but mostly it takes lots of trial and error.

Immediately we noticed that upon taking the risperdal, Taz's sleeping got worse. Dr.S wanted to keep it during the day because risperdal has been known to work well in young children to treat rages and aggression, two of our main issues. So he also prescribed a very very small dose of Seroquel, also an anti-psychotic, to be taken right before bedtime. Hallelujah! This was our savior for sleep. Right when we started the seroquel, Taz started going to bed on time and sleeping through the night. No more night terrors! I was thrilled. Everyone in the house was finally sleeping!

We eventually upped the dose of risperdal to 3 times a day to see if we could tame the rages and aggression. We are still on the risperdal but it wasn't enough. It works great to treat the mania. I can always tell when we are late or missed a dose because Taz gets that look in his eye I described before. DH and I look at each other practically reading minds. Did he get his medicine?

But risperdal doesn't do enough for Taz to stop the rages, aggression, irritability, and depression. I was hesitant to start a mood stabilizer, the most popular and well-known being lithium, because the side effect can be more serious and you need to be having regular blood draws, a traumatic experience for all of us. But I discussed it with Dr.S and he thought we should try Depakote. Now all these med changes happened within the course of several months, not weeks or days. I don't want you to get that idea.

Depakote is a seizure med that has been around for a while and has also been used for young children. We do have to get blood work every few months, but we're hoping the benefits are worth it. It's still pretty new for us but so far, so good. Taz has had a wonderful week. I'm hesitant to say it's from the med combo right now because, even though one may have a mental illness, they can still have some wonderful and stable times. We are hopeful but also guarded watching Taz do so well.

When I went into the medication world, I said to myself, one medication at a time, maybe two at the most. I would not be one of those parents who keep adding medication upon medication until I create the "perfect child". Of course no one on this journey is expecting perfection. We are expecting stability. It's completely different in ways I can't really describe, but parents of bipolar kids out there know what I'm talking about. Now Taz is on three medications. Do I wish it was two? Yes. Do I wish it was none? Yes. Do I wish I don't even have to be writing this? Yes!

The plan started that if the depakote works, we would taper down the risperdal so that he would only be on two medications. But if the depakote works, like it seems to be now, I will be so scared to change anything for fear of destroying our stability. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Next post I'm going to list some common myths about medication. All my experienced bipolar battlers please chime in!

Kissing Frogs

2010-03-18T08:15:00.000-04:00

We had to kiss a couple frogs (or something like that) before we found a psychiatrist that could and would help us. Actually, considering Taz was only three, and we only spent a period of a few months looking, we are incredibly lucky. I've heard from other parents finding the right psychiatrist took years. We started off with a psychologist, who we still see once a week for play therapy. Dr.B didn't want to diagnose anything but believed Taz could have bipolar disorder. Then we went for some testing at a well-known hospital. I had high hopes for this clinic, but was quickly disappointed, and even irritated at the clinician. I understand my child is young. And I understand that mental illness isn't usually diagnosed in preschoolers. But it's pretty clear that I'm a desperate, exhausted parent at the edge of my limits and resources, and I just needed help.

One of the problems I face is the matter of people not believing me. Actually, I'm pretty sure some of you are thinking that there's something wrong with me for allowing my son to be medicated with psychiatric substances at 3 years old. Or for allowing a psychiatrist (who is dictated by drug companies) to diagnose my son with some (made-up) condition just to make money. I am faced with this everyday. In fact, when I am in public and have to explain my son's behavior, I find myself very tempted to say he has autism. Why? Because there is so much awareness about autism that there is no look of confusion on strangers faces. Actually, people embrace autism. They feel extremely empathetic towards autistic kids and their parents. We would maybe even get special treatment if I stated Taz was autistic. But if I say he has bipolar disorder, people assume I'm either being naive and controlled by the psychiatry community or that I'm one of "those" parents who drugs their kids because I'm lazy and don't want to deal with typical rambunctious children. Well, I am telling you now, I am neither! But how do you explain that to the public? How do you explain that to your friends and family? Unless they've known someone with a mental illness, most people can't possibly understand, which leads them not to believe.

So, in talking with professionals, I run into the same problem. At least with those who are not experienced. And that's what happened with this particular hospital clinic. I didn't stay long. We did a few weeks of developmental testing but I didn't get a good feeling about this doctor so during that time I also started looking into other options. I was right. After the testing he didn't believe my concerns were serious. He didn't have anything to offer except therapy. Not even for sleep. So I thanked him for his obviously wrong opinion, and moved on. I must have called at least a dozen clinics, private doctors, and hospital programs looking for someone who would see a child so young and who takes our insurance.

Finally, when I almost lost hope, our pediatrician recommended a colleague who he trusts and who has years of experience working with very young children. So I made an appointment last November. I brought in lots of paperwork, accounts from his preschool teacher, mood journals, sleeping charts, his OT eval, etc. And there he was. Our prince. Dr.S immediately saw the severity of what we were dealing with. He diagnosed bipolar disorder so that we could start meds and get the services we needed. But he also clarified that he can't be 100% positive until Taz is a little older. But he does believe that Taz should be treated for bipolar disorder, sooner rather than later. And I've been very grateful to have found him.

So...then comes the medication trials. Or what I like to call, the guessing game.

How I Know My Son Has Bipolar Disorder...

2010-03-17T11:20:00.004-04:00

...or as best as one can know. I get asked this a lot, especially with his young age. Granted, it is a serious diagnosis with serious implications. It's also a very complex illness that has only begun getting unraveled. But now more than ever bipolar disorder is getting the attention it deserves. More research is going into it and professionals are looking for answers. And that's a good thing. Mental illness isn't like it used to be when doctors told parents to lock the children up, send them to institutions, or force them to endure electric shock treatment. We force them to endure med trials and frequent blood tests instead. Okay, all joking aside, people with mental illness have a far greater chance of living a normal life than ever before.

Back to the subject. Many people ask me how I can discern the difference between normal three year old behavior, a "spirited" or strong-willed child's behavior, and a more serious problem like mental illness. I have always known Taz was different, more difficult than most kids his age, and sensitive. The first couple years I blamed it on the terrible two's. They started early and he was just a more intense kid, at least that's what other people told me. When he turned three and things got even worse, I started to wonder about ADHD. Actually, I was pretty sure he would get diagnosed with that once he went to school. That's as far as my concerns went.

But then I happened to catch a show on HBO called "Boy Interrupted", which was a documentary about a family whose son had bipolar disorder, and at 15, committed suicide. When I heard the mother describing what he was like at a young age, the stories sounded eerily familiar. So I went to the internet and googled "bipolar disorder in children".

I had no problem believing bipolar existed but I had no idea it existed in children, let alone children as young as preschool. Come to find out, bipolar disorder looks very different in children than in adults, and it's still in the process of being more clearly defined. Anyway, I read through a checklist of symptoms and decided this needed further investigation. I must have spent 2 hours (I think I was supposed to be working) scrolling through every story and every bit of research I could find about bipolar disorder in children. When I realized it all fit, I was numb. I couldn't think, I couldn't make dinner, I couldn't even form the words to tell someone.

A couple weeks later I was still only beginning to believe Taz could have something this serious and had planned on putting it on the back burner until he was older. But, then he stopped sleeping. Literally, he went from sleeping just fine all the way through the night to suddenly only sleeping 3 or 4 hours per night for days on end. But it wasn't like he couldn't fall asleep or couldn't stay asleep, it was truly as if he didn't need sleep. He wouldn't even seem tired until 11pm some nights. Then be up at 3AM rearing to go for the day. He would say "I up!" like it was a beautiful cheery morning, sun shining, birds chirping.

So I called our pediatrician. He said to give him Melatonin, a natural hormone already produced in our bodies but given artificially to gently help ease you into the sleep cycle. It worked for a week or so, then it stopped. We upped the dose over and over until we were right at the edge of the healthy limit. Still didn't work. So our pediatrician recommended trying a psychiatrist.

It was around this time I started hanging around the online forums for parents of children with bipolar disorder. CABF (the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation) is a great resource. I started to learn about all the intricacies these kids have in common. I also heard from other parents with very young children with bipolar symptoms starting medication and getting therapy.

As Taz's symptoms began increasing, I started to seriously consider getting a professional evaluation for bipolar disorder. We also did some blood tests to rule out any medical causes as well. So, I'm sure you are wondering what the symptoms of bipolar are and how a three year old displays them.

Periods of irritability: I don't mean just a little bit cranky because he's hungry or tired. I mean periods where you couldn't touch him, talk to him, or even look at him without him lashing out. Grumpy is an understatement.

Severe tantrums or rages: Not your typical kicking and screaming on the floor toddler tantrum. Taz would get completely out of control, hitting, kicking, scratching, sometimes biting, with all his strength. He was like a little wild animal fighting for survival. He would throw anything that happened to be in his path. When we put him in his room to calm down, he would destroy anything he could get his hands on. He's put holes in the walls, thrown trucks and step stools at us, and you can't even reach him because he's so far gone. These can last anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours to an entire afternoon.

Defiance: Ever hear of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder)? A lot of bipolar kids qualify for this diagnosis as well but I like to think of it as part of the bipolar instead of slapping a bunch of letters under his name. Most three year olds like to please adults. They like to be helpful and feel important. Not Taz. You could ask him to do the simplest task and you would receive a resounding "NO!" Even if I made it the most fun game in the world and offered lots of praise and encouragement, it was still "NO!"

Depression: There would be periods of hours where Taz would mope around the house, not interested in playing or doing anything. Nothing made him happy. I couldn't talk to him. He would be very quiet and tired. He had low energy and slept more during these cycles too.

Night terrors: These can be normal for some kids but they are also a symptom of bipolar disorder, along with other problems with sleep. I think I mentioned above that there were times when Taz just didn't seem to need sleep. He also experienced night terrors where he would wake up screaming, thrashing around, pointing at things on the walls and ceilings, and attacking us like we were some kind of creature from a horror film. It would take him sometimes an hour to calm down and go back to sleep. This would happen over and over each night.

Fascination with gore/violence: Taz hasn't had much exposure to these things. For older kids with bipolar this can be a very big issue. Fortunately it isn't for us yet. There was one occasion recently where we drove by a tree cutter on the side of the road and Taz said, "that cuts Chica's head off." Then he stated that he was going to kick Chica's head off. That may be normal feelings of jealousy but expressed in a much more violent way than most three year olds. I can't leave Taz alone with his sister because I can't trust him to be safe.

Anxiety: Taz has some anxiety pretty constantly. But there are random points during the day or week where he has severe separation anxiety that can result in an emotional meltdown. There was one time when all of us were shopping at Target and DH stepped away for one minute to look down an aisle. Taz about had a heart attack that daddy left. He rammed the cart into a shelf and started attacking me. Taz is also very sensitive to changes in routine and environment. His anxiety gets set off very easily and it effects his sleep majorly and he gets clingy during the day.

Hyperactivity: Again, most bipolar kids qualify for more than one diagnosis, ADHD being one of them. I prefer not to state that he does have this although he probably would qualify.

Mania: This can look a little different in each child. Some get very goal oriented. Some spend or want to spend a lot of money. Some engage in risky behavior. For Taz, I can tell when he's manic because he gets this crazy look in his eye, and it's hard to explain, but I feel like something has taken over his body and he's lost all control. Hyper would be an understatement. But he will jump off high surfaces. He gets very silly and giddy beyond control. He laughs at inappropriate things. He can't calm down. He goes from laughing to screaming to crying in a matter of 30 seconds. One time he kept running at me trying to bit me while laughing hysterically.

Hypersexual: This is part of mania. When Taz is manic he will try to grab butts and boobs. He also rubs himself on things and gets obsessed with talking about and touching private parts. More than just curiosity, it gets out of control. Again, this is without exposure to sexual content.

Racing thoughts/Talking incessantly: It was 11pm one night and we were trying to get Taz to bed. DH went into his room and Taz was talking a mile a minute about one thing, then switching rapidly to another, and couldn't stay organized or focused but just had to talk. There was another time when we were in the grocery store and he was walking ahead of us literally naming and talking about every single item we walked by over and over. It was like an engine was running inside him that he just couldn't stop.

Grandiosity/Inflated Self-esteem: Taz will dispute me to the very end of a discussion about what he thinks is right. He constantly tells me how to drive. He'll ask why we're going this way, I tell him that's the way to go home. And he emphatically says "no". And I tell him to trust me that I know where we're going. He will argue up and down that I'm not going the right way. This is just one example.

Taz fits most of the main symptoms, but also down to the more subtle symptoms. Craving carbs, getting hot easily, being more hyper in the evening, poor working memory, sleep reversal, issues reading facial features and social cues, the ability to hold it together in front of other people then lashing out at home, and probably more that I can't think of now.

So...that's a lot of information. Any questions?

Next post I will write about our journey to therapy and medication. What's working now and what's not. Then we'll go from there.

Welcome!

2010-03-16T14:17:00.000-04:00

This blog is an avenue for me to speak openly about my son's special needs while maintaining his privacy. So you will not be seeing photos or real names on this blog. But I will be completely open and honest about what living with a child with bipolar disorder is like. The ups and downs, the good parts and bad parts, and how it affects us in both positive and negative ways. I welcome and encourage comments. I would love to link to other blogs, especially ones with similar topics, so please leave a comment with your blog info and I will link to you. For all intents and purposes my name is "J", my husband will be referred to as "DH", my son is "Taz", and my 1 year old daughter is "Chica".

About the blog name, well, I needed something catchy. But I don't really think we are "battling" bipolar. I think we are kicking bipolar's a$$! But for real, bipolar disorder is not a death sentence. But it is a lifelong journey. And it's hard to live with but success and happiness can be found. And this will chronicle our steps getting there.

In the next few days I will bombard you with the beginning story of my son and our journey in learning about bipolar disorder. So come back soon.