Friday, July 23, 2010

To Hell With Everyone! I Want My Kid Back!

First of all. Visiting my child one hour a day is simply not enough. I called the therapist this morning and told her I was going to visit in the morning as well as in the evening (which are the usual visiting hours). I can't be away from my 4 yr old all day like that. She agreed.

I miss him. I miss everything about him, even his anger. I just want to go home. Half my family is at my mom's (me and Chica because it's closer to the hospital), my son is in a hospital, and my husband is at our house more than an hour away. I want my normal life back. Even the chaotic crazy version of it. I want to be the one getting Taz up in the morning. Getting him dressed. I never thought I would say that because that's one of the times he's so difficult but I don't care. I want to feed him meals. I want to give him a bath and brush his teeth and watch movies with him and have him in my bed first thing in the morning being goofy.

I don't want an hour with him each day in a noisy hospital with no privacy. It feels like prison.

I hate this. It's torture. I hate everything about it. The only reason I'm not pulling him from the hospital and taking him home right now is because everyone is convincing me it's in Taz's best interest to be there. I don't believe it. I think he needs his family. I think he needs his mom putting him to bed and waking him up every morning. Not some stranger.

I've been crying off and on all day, especially at night. I've resolved myself to go pick Taz up and bring him home half a dozen times now but Dh convinces me otherwise.

I just want my life back. My completely abnormal, chaotic, frustrating, sometimes dangerous life back. To hell with everyone else. To hell with medication. To hell with behavior programs. To hell with doctors and therapists.

I want my kids. I want them with me.

P.S. I posted twice today so read the post below to catch up on medication issues and current frustrations with doctors.


  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how painful this is. Being separated from my son is on of my biggest fears. I would be crying too!

  2. I'm furious for you. Almost unbearably angry.

    Stupid me. I just wrote a blog post about how I don't let the anger swallow me anymore.


    Hang on. Please hang on. You will get him stable eventually. I know you will.

    I'm so glad you stood up to that doctor. Where some of them get off I'll never understand, but I'm glad you let him know he can't condescend to you.

  3. I know your anger. I understand it. Now I am going to make it worse. Do this for Chica. She needs a brother she can be safe with.

    I have a phrase I live with, here it is: Don't give up what you want most for what you want now.

    I know you want a peaceful home where both of your children are safe and happy. Don't give that up because you want him home now.

    I would hug you if I could.

  4. Hold on--you can make it. I know its hard and I understand the anger and frustration--but I second what Laura says--do this for Chica--and also for yourself. You all need to feel safe. Hold on, just hold on.

  5. Been out of the country and just caught up on what's going on with you and yours . . . i'm so sorry you're in such a hard place! I hope you can make it through this time that he's in the hospital and that in the end, it seems like it was worth all the heartache!